It’s Halloween, not April Fools’ Day

Let’s take a break from the political humor I’ve been posting and focus on another kind of humor: the Royals. This has got to be some sick joke.

Yeah, it’s Halloween all right, and the Royals are scaring me as much as ever.

Just when I thought the team was back on track, this happened. The Royals just traded a valuable relief pitcher for a bad first baseman.

Mike Jacobs is the Royals new 1B. The 28-year old had the worst on-base percentage of any regular 1B last year. OBP is the single most important stat in scoring runs. And Jacobs is a terrible defensive player.

And the Royals have better in-house 1B/DH options. Billy Butler is 22 years old and is a future star. Ryan Shealy and Kila Ka’aihue are ready to fight for a job.

Ka’aihue’s major league equivalents suggest he could put up an OBP of .390 if given the chance. Last year, Mike Jacobs put up an OBP of .299. In other words, if Ka’aihue disappointed and dropped fifty points off that number, his .340 would still be better than Jacobs’ full-season career high of .325. Yikes.

I thought the Royals should have platooned Ka’aihue and Shealy, as Shealy is right-handed and Ka’aihue is left-handed. That’s out the window unless Butler gets traded. And if the Royals trade Butler, I might just boycott. That would be a case of management looking at him and saying “he’s fat and he can’t run,” instead of looking at him and saying “he has great hand-eye coordination, crushed the ball down the stretch, takes more batting practice than anyone else on the team, is 22 years old, and projects to be a star.”

Also, Jacobs is the expected to get $3 million this year, meaning he’ll cost more than the other three players I mentioned combined.

As for the player we gave up to get Jacobs, Leo Nunez may be small and frail, but he’s lights out when he does pitch and probably has more trade value than for one of the worst first basemen in baseball. Nunez might have been expendable, but that doesn’t mean the Royals had to give him away.

The good news is I’ve figured out General Manager Dayton Moore’s Halloween costume. He’s going as Herk Robinson.

A special message from John McCain

Hello, my friends. John McCain here.

I am here to tell you about voter fraud by ACORN. ACORN is a “service” organization that says it aims to register more voters. Of course, what it actually does is fix the polls for Democrats.

It’s all right there in ACORN’s charter, which states that it fights for social justice. Socialism, right there.

Of course, ACORN has been in the news lately. It has been caught registering names it shouldn’t. Non-voters. Notably, Mickey Mouse.

Hmmm. Look at Mickey Mouse. He’s black. He has big ears. He gets great ratings. I wonder who’s behind this.

Barack Obama is clearly a pseudonym of Mickey Mouse. My friends, we cannot let the Disney overlords control this great nation!

I’m Elmer Fudd John McCain and I approve this message.

update: This is our counter-operation to ACORN.

Internet Informercial

Hi. This is Barack Obama.

The television networks have run out of advertising time for me to buy. I offered to buy up the 11pm time slot currently being used on your local station to show reruns of Seinfeld, but there were some legal issues about syndication.

Instead, I have begun to buy up the Internet. It was Al Gore’s idea, and despite his being a real tree-hugger, sometimes he comes up with a great idea.

Like when Al Gore invented the Internet. This is a great way for me to get my message to the masses.

And what is that message? First, with my tax plan, each of you will be able to buy your own 30-minute infomercial on a major network. I cannot promise income equality for all; some of you will be forced to use UPN. For that I apologize, but we are in a down economy. My opponent will tell you that the economy is fine, but he fails to see the little man forced to advertise on UPN. We will work on that problem and fix our ailing economy when I am president. Everyone deserves his half hour on Fox before the World Series.

My opponent, John McCain will have you believe that I am a terrorist. That is just the politics of fear. He is desperate. Desperate to stop the momentum of this campaign, desperate to find his miracle, desperate to hide from the public the fact that he is indeed a vampire.

That’s right. I said John McCain is a vampire. Look at that photo above for proof. That is John McCain before his crew applies his makeup. Do you want that creature answering the emergency phone at the White House?

Granted, a vampire McCain will have control over all our foreign adversaries after just one face-to-face meeting. But at what cost? All of our pretty virginal girls will disappear, only to grow fangs and a thirst for blood.

Did you know that John McCain is not 72 years old, as he would have you believe, but is actually 438? He used to live under the pseudonym Max Schreck, and before that he was Franz Joseph I of Austria. That’s right. John McCain is the former emperor of Austria. Does that sound like someone you want leading your country?

The history of this monster gets foggy before that. Some evidence points to his origins in Romania in or around the year 1670.

Do you not believe me? Look at this evidence.

Does that woman look natural to you? She’s had all the blood drained from her body. All the cosmetic surgery in the world cannot restore the proper color to her veins.

Thank you for your time. I will now let you get back to surfing the internet for your usual supply of dick jokes and smut.

I’m Barack Obama and I approve this message, because America needs a change from the vampires of yesterday.

Why I hate “Seinfeld”

(The TV show, not the guy)

I am probably the only Jewish person aged between 18 and 50 who cannot stand Jerry Seinfeld’s sitcom. All the various Jews I’ve lived with over the years subjugate me to this painful, painful show that is shown in syndication about 379 times daily, give or take a few. To explain my hatred, I have compiled a list:

 

1.) Jerry Seinfeld cannot act.

He cannot spell act. He couldn’t find Acts in the Bible (probably because it’s in the New Testament, but that’s neither here nor there). He’s playing himself and he’s not believable. It’s like he wants to behave like Woody Allen in Annie Hall, but fails to live up to that standard.

 

2.) The Wardrobe

  Jerry looks like he should be selling paper towels. Let’s try another one.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Ok, I cheated, they never wore that on the show. That would’ve constituted something beyond the bounds of its plotlines.

There are some parts of the ‘90s that I don’t want to remember. I mean, Seinfeld’s ‘90s-style mullet? I don’t know if he should be acting or singing in a Mr. Big cover band.

 

3.) Long setups for bad jokes

This is the biggest reason for me. The show will spend twenty minutes (and nine minutes of commercial) setting up thirty seconds of punch line. And it’s always a dumb punch line you saw coming like the queasiness that comes with eating hot dogs from a New Orleans street vendor.*  Whoa, you mean to say George spent the entire episode trying to get the Frogger machine home only not get it home? I never saw that coming! What great irony! 

*Mmm. Lucky Dog.

Sometimes the irony is so heavy-handed, and so predictable, that I feel like I’m watching a bad M. Night Shyamalan movie. They’re in modern times all along? He’s the supervillain?

 

4.) It feels like an inside joke, and I’m on the outside.

Boy, living in New York in the 1990s sure is amusing! The bathrooms in Grand Central Station are dirty. Traffic is so bad you recognize your neighbors by the cars they drive while you’re stuck behind them.

 

By the way, these are all the same reasons why I can’t stand “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

And then God opened up the heavens

Yesterday’s World Series game was washed out before the Phillies could win it all, and now we find out that it won’t be played out today either.

There is only one explanation for this: God wants the Rays to win because they dropped “Devil” from their names before the start of the season. This is consistent with Rockies' GM Dan O'Dowd's theory about last year’s pennant run – essentially saying that God wanted them to win because they were the more faithful team.

As such, I have a proposal. The team in Kansas City can no longer be called the Royals. Jesus is the only one who wears a crown. Therefore, I present you with…

The Kansas City Jesuses!

This guy right here can replace Slugerrrrrrrrerrr as the team mascot. The team is already thankfully bereft of any Jews or other heathens, so that means this is the final step towards having competitive baseball in Kansas City.

…until Utah gets a team named after Joseph Smith.

Good news everyone!

It has come to my attention that my bit comparing John McCain to Grandpa Simpson wasn’t so original. What of it? I don’t have to impress you. Here is the real transcript of my interview with McCain.

 

How do you plan on defeating Senator Obama in the coming weeks?

I have a grave announcement. Anyone with a weak heart had better leave now. Goodbye.

Do you think Sarah Palin has the necessary experience to help you with your duties as president? Will she help you find Osama bin Laden, for example?

A woman? I'm trying to catch a monster, not find the quickest route to the mall!

Has there been an adverse reaction within the Republican party because of your reputation as a “maverick”?

Sure, everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain, but put it in the body of a great white shark. Oh, suddenly you've gone too far!

I’m sorry. I don’t follow.

Yes, that sequence of words I just said made perfect sense.

If you are elected, it will be with a rather sizeable Democratic edge in both the House and the Senate. How would you handle working with a legislative side of the government filled with members of the opposing party?

Tell them I hate them!

How did you fall so far behind in the latest poll?

My hip hurts! I'm in the middle of cooking a turkey! I have warranty cards to fill out! I'm not just making excuses!

Senator McCain, I am told you have to go, it is time for your nap.

 

Yes, Dammit!

John McCain Speaks

The McCain campaign is getting pretty desperate. So desperate, in fact, that they have agreed to let me speak to the senator from Arizona.

What are your plans for making a late comeback and winning the presidency?

There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.

The Obama campaign has painted a picture of you as being too old and out of touch. How do you respond to such accusations?

Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answers to all the important questions.

Senator McCain, that flag behind you only has 49 stars.

I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missouri!

What do you propose to do in the event of a national emergency?

The last time the meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more than a few.

What is your take on the perception of increased power of the office of the presidency?

Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!

If you are elected, it will be with a rather sizeable Democratic edge in both the House and the Senate. How would you handle working with a legislative side of the government filled with members of the opposing party?

One way to get rid of them is to tell 'em stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time we went over to Shelbyville during the war, I wore an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time...You couldn’t get those white ones, you could only get those big yellow ones… Now where was I?...Oh yeah, the important thing was I was wearing an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time, you couldn’t get those...

Oh, so you plan on using a filibuster. Well I appreciate you taking the time to talk to us, Senator McCain, and good luck in the election.

You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

Senator McCain, your staff is telling me that the time allotted for your interview is over.

Alright I'm going. It's cold and my head hurts.

How to construct an “Around the Horn” Segment (and why these guys should run for office)

Featuring Jay Mariotti  

 

  and Woody Paige

Who will win the World Series?

Woody: The Phillies will win the World Series because they split in Tampa, stealing home field advantage, and my inside sources say that the team that does that wins more often.

Jay: You’re an idiot. The Phillies have to win the next three, because there’s no way they’re going to win if the series gets back to Tampa.

 

Who is the greatest NFL team of all time?

Woody: I remember watching the 1940 Bears beat the Redskins 73-0 in the NFL Championship game. No one could beat them.

Jay: Woody, are you on drugs? 1940? That wasn’t the same game as today. The answers is this year’s unbeaten Titans, mark my words, they will do what the Patriots couldn’t do last year and go undefeated. 

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?

Woody: I like vanilla, just plain vanilla. Kind of like all of Jay’s answers.

Jay: Woody, you lie. Just last week you said you were a chocolate man.

 

Ok, so this is hackney and simple. I can do the same thing with presidential candidates.

How is the economy?

The system is broken and needs change. We can fix the system. Yes we can.

I believe that the fundamentals of our economy are strong.

 

Senator Obama, tell me about your childhood.

Obama: I was born in Hawaii to a woman from Kansas…

McCain: Don’t try to deceive the American public. My friends, that one was raised in a terror cell on the other half of the world, somewhere near Czechoslovakia or Korea or something like that.

Tell us about your tax plan

Obama: I want to cut taxes to ninety-fi…

McCain: There’s more of your elitist doublespeak. That one wants to raise your taxes, my friends. He just wants to crush Joe the Plumber as he spreads your wealth around, my friends.

What do 1980s PSAs, a 1990s one-hit wonder, and a 2000s injury-prone outfielder have in common?

Hint:

I haven’t yet done any real baseball analysis on this blog. Let’s start exploring what the Royals should do this offseason.

Problem: Jose Guillen   is a slow, oft-injured prima-donna douche bag. In addition, he is a poor fit for this Royals team – his greatest strength (hitting left-handed pitching) is already accounted for on the club, and his weaknesses (no walks, high strikeout rate, poor defense). And he’s signed for two more years at $12 million per.

Solution: Getting rid of him is easier said than done. That contract is burdensome. However, Guillen still has a quick bat and crushes lefties, so he could be useful in the right situation. The Royals would need to take back another bad contract in return, though. Enter the Crash Test Dummy, Eric Byrnes (He’s the one above in the baseball uniform, not the one in a car seat or one of the long-haired Canadians.)

Byrnes is currently the 4th outfielder on Arizona’s depth chart, behind youngsters Chris Young, Justin Upton, and Conor Jackson. Byrnes’ greatest asset is probably his ability to play a passable CF – his bat isn’t good enough most years to be productive in the corners. That makes him expendable in Arizona, where both Young and Upton are capable of playing center. That, and the $22 owed to him over the next two seasons, means he’s likely to be shopped around this offseason. But he likely isn’t going to command a lot of attention – next year he turns 33 and he batted .209 in a meager 52 games last season. Still, just two years ago he finished 11th in the MVP voting, so he might be able to breakout again.

Does a straight-up swap make sense? Remember, these two teams hooked up last season for the swap of Billy Buckner for Alberto Callaspo. The jury’s still out on who won (lost) that one.

Why Arizona would do it: As mentioned above, the D’backs have two guys to play CF, so they don’t really need Byrnes. Guillen, for all his headaches, put up better offensive numbers than Byrnes last year in a tougher league. Also, Guillen has the more pronounced platoon split – he crushes the sinister side while being mortal against right-handers. This does not make a huge difference if we were talking about everyday players, but this is a 4th OF spot. Guillen can be benched against righties and allowed to put up big numbers in limited at-bats. Also, his bat would be useful off the bench in late-inning situations – something that makes more sense in the NL where pinch hitters are more valuable. The mere threat of his bat coming off the bench may keep an opposing lefty-specialist in the pen instead of on the mound. Part of Guillen’s surliness was that he believed the Royals were not doing enough to win – the D’backs might be able to compete in the weak NL West next year. That could silence Guillen, even if he’s relegated to a bench role.

Why KC would do it: The acquisition of Byrnes potentially allows for an outfield of Byrnes in center, Dejesus in left, and Teahen in right. This would be an improvement at all three OF positions over last year’s triumphrate of Teahen in left, Dejesus in center, and Guillen in right. Also, Guillen’s a dick who’s fought with authority figures at every stop. Byrnes is one of the most likeable guys in baseball. I’m not sure what value chemistry has, but surely it counts for something.

Will this trade actually happen? Probably not. It makes too much sense.

Technorati Tags: Baseball

Ways to kill time when you’re unemployed

I may turn this into an ongoing series of posts. So with that, I present a way to kill time while unemployed:

Start a rambling blog about everything nothing and then do a really shitty job of promoting it so no one reads it.

Who am I talking to anyway? Blogs are the new way to be a crazy guy on the crowded street. Nobody listens, and anybody who accidently gets close enough to see what I’m saying will quickly turn away/load another website.

What your favorite TV characters would say about the election

House, MD believes voting’s for suckers because no one person’s vote is likely to be the deciding vote in the election, but will tell Cuddy that he needs a half day off on Election Day.

Marge Simpson cannot decide because both candidates “seem so nice.”

Monty Python members are British and cannot vote here. However, if they had a choice, they would chose the girl with the biggest tits.

Popeye is afraid of black people.

Charlie Sheen Harper Yeah, like anyone on that show ever thinks of something relevant here? I can imagine his thought process. “Palin and McCain’s wife are hotter older chicks, but Michelle Obama has that ethnic look I’m craving for.” He has no thoughts on the political process, but watch out for the upcoming episode where he bags a Bush twin and then can’t tell her apart from her sister.

Bruce Banner   likes the Democrats because of their general agenda to lower military spending. Also, he agrees with their pro-science stance.

Frank Caliendo is rooting for McCain after his publicist warned him against putting on blackface to impersonate political figures. As if anyone would be watching, anyway.

Beavis certainly doesn’t understand the American political system, nor could he tell you who either candidate is. He was, however, talked into canvassing for Obama by the “chick with the big hooters” he ran into at the mall.

Homer Simpson is one of the roughly half of the country that doesn’t bother voting. This is probably for the better.