Internet Informercial

Hi. This is Barack Obama.

The television networks have run out of advertising time for me to buy. I offered to buy up the 11pm time slot currently being used on your local station to show reruns of Seinfeld, but there were some legal issues about syndication.

Instead, I have begun to buy up the Internet. It was Al Gore’s idea, and despite his being a real tree-hugger, sometimes he comes up with a great idea.

Like when Al Gore invented the Internet. This is a great way for me to get my message to the masses.

And what is that message? First, with my tax plan, each of you will be able to buy your own 30-minute infomercial on a major network. I cannot promise income equality for all; some of you will be forced to use UPN. For that I apologize, but we are in a down economy. My opponent will tell you that the economy is fine, but he fails to see the little man forced to advertise on UPN. We will work on that problem and fix our ailing economy when I am president. Everyone deserves his half hour on Fox before the World Series.

My opponent, John McCain will have you believe that I am a terrorist. That is just the politics of fear. He is desperate. Desperate to stop the momentum of this campaign, desperate to find his miracle, desperate to hide from the public the fact that he is indeed a vampire.

That’s right. I said John McCain is a vampire. Look at that photo above for proof. That is John McCain before his crew applies his makeup. Do you want that creature answering the emergency phone at the White House?

Granted, a vampire McCain will have control over all our foreign adversaries after just one face-to-face meeting. But at what cost? All of our pretty virginal girls will disappear, only to grow fangs and a thirst for blood.

Did you know that John McCain is not 72 years old, as he would have you believe, but is actually 438? He used to live under the pseudonym Max Schreck, and before that he was Franz Joseph I of Austria. That’s right. John McCain is the former emperor of Austria. Does that sound like someone you want leading your country?

The history of this monster gets foggy before that. Some evidence points to his origins in Romania in or around the year 1670.

Do you not believe me? Look at this evidence.

Does that woman look natural to you? She’s had all the blood drained from her body. All the cosmetic surgery in the world cannot restore the proper color to her veins.

Thank you for your time. I will now let you get back to surfing the internet for your usual supply of dick jokes and smut.

I’m Barack Obama and I approve this message, because America needs a change from the vampires of yesterday.