8-29-05

Today is the four-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina ravaging the Gulf Coast. I thought I'd use this space to recreate that night as I remember it. So crack open an Abita and put your feet up.

If it keeps on rainin', the levee's gonna break.

I couldn't get that damn song out of my head. I paced up and down the house, singing it softly to myself (and anyone within earshot.  I had escaped with some friends and wound up at the childhood home of one of these friends, in Beaumont, Texas. This was not an unfamiliar place; we had fled tropical storms for much of my four years at Tulane and I had come here at least one before. We rushed out the door as if we had just gotten there. In fact, we had. Classes for the semester hadn't even started yet.

Hurricanes are nothing unfamiliar to New Orleans. It seems that about once a year there is some alarming storm bearing down on the city, most of which sits below sea level and is protected by a horribly outdated and overmatched levee system. Everyone knows that a well-placed storm could wipe it off the face of the earth, turning this Southern port into a modern Atlantis. In typical New Orleans fashion, no one seemed to worry. Not that there was nothing to worry about, but there are so many better ways to spend time than worrying.

Us students, though, we're not that hardened. We flee if a newsman whispers "hurricane." Well, most of us do. The locals, like my roommate Clay, don't panic so much. And some of the students try to stay. Most hurricane threats came with mandatory evacuation, but they would skirt the rules and lock themselves in their rooms, surviving on Doritos and Dr. Pepper.

This hurricane threat was different, though. The lines for gas at the local Chevron station went around the block. Everyone who could was getting out. Later stories emerged about the tens of thousands of people left in the city. Very few of them were there by choice. Some had no transportation, some were unfit for travel, and a great many could not afford to. The hurricane struck right before payday and a huge proportion of impoverished New Orleans lives paycheck-to-paycheck. Travel is an expensive luxury.

Besides, there were "catastrophic" storms bearing down on New Orleans all the time.

We stayed up most of the night,  watching, on a television set in Texas, the rain pound New Orleans. Every now and again the camera would show a familiar building, only with the bottom three feet submerged. Or five feet. Or ten feet. The best word to describe that night is "surreal." Not horrifying, although it was that too. Or sad. Those emotions hadn't hit yet. It was simply surreal.

If the levee breaks, we got no place to stay.

Adam narrates his life

Adam felt like he was living the same day over and over again. Not like in Groundhog Day, in part because he knew it was not literally the same day over and over again. Also, he knew it was not like that movie because he believes that, no matter what the circumstances, he could never fall for Andie McDowell. It could be the same miserable day in the same miserable Puxatony with the same miserable things happening at the same miserable time, every time, and he would not fall for her. Also, he knows that, unlike Bill Murray's character, he could not find constructive ways to better himself, like learning piano and poetry. He would likely find funny ways to kill himself, only to wake up the next day, as in the montage in the middle of the film. And that's only if the Internet and cable were out and he became forced to go outside and interact with the world.

Anyway, Adam felt like he was having the same day over and over again. Part of it is the California weather. Ever since he came here, the weather has been constant. It's been pleasant, sure, but unchanging. Every day hits a temperature in the low 80s, every night is a bit chilly, there's always a howling wind, and it never, under any circumstance, rains. He never realized how much he'd missed the seasons. Adam always hated the hundred degree Kansas summers and he'd hated the zero degree winters twice as much. He'd hated how thunderstorms made his dog nervous, hail would put dents in the roof of his car, and his television shows interrupted by newscasters warning him of tornadoes that never came. Now, in the unchanging California weather, he found himself missing all that stuff. Maybe his mild fever is making him delirious.

Today was another boring day in which nothing was accomplished for the out-of-work 20-something with two degrees and no experience. Just like yesterday. And the day before that. At least now he has the excuse of a fever to coop him up in the cozy apartment he shares with his girlfriend, who lately has been working hundred-hour weeks doing some job he doesn't really understand for a large, faceless corporation (the American government). Usually the excuse is the double-digit unemployment rate plaguing the State of California and the fact that all the best civilian jobs in the city go to those with military clearance or dependents of the military. Or another excuse, this one equally valid and just as partially-true, is that the finance world doesn't hire and may not exist anymore in this recession, which makes tough goings for a guy with an MBA in finance (and no experience). However, the biggest truth of it all might just be the crushing world, the weight of expectation, the sense that he is getting older and going nowhere, all combined with his personality traits of awkwardness, lack of confidence, and frequent fatigue. At least he has a sense of humor about it all. He's just not sure why anymore.

Whither Twitter?

When asked, on air, whether he Tweeted, baseball announcer/humorist Bob Uecker responded, "No, thankfully, they have medication for that now." Good call.

I don't get the "phenomenon." Mini posts, limited to 140 characters? "Convenient?" Why the hell would I want to limit myself to 140 characters? What can I say, or read, in 140 characters? Further, couldn't I just do that on this blog? I could update this blog from a cell phone just as easily as I could tweet. And I could do it using full sentences.

Twitter is one of those phenomena created by people who don't understand it. Magazines put it on the cover because it sells like a supermodel or Michelle Obama. CNN uses it to stay "hip." Twitter is not hip. Twitter is what people who can't ever be hip use to try to stay hip.

Twitter is also used by people trying to brand themselves. Real people have nothing to say in 140 characters. Brands can say things like, "omg, shooting green screen all day.  It's the wierdest thing we do." (Ashton Kutcher, the OMG added but believable.)

Twitter is a great marketing tool*. You can get people to follow you on it and then pitch yourself to them several times a day, and some people will eat it right up. But you can't have any serious discourse on it. All you can do is make claims and  refute claims. It's like an Internet chat room with nothing but room for flame wars.

*The greatest Twitter irony is that it serves primarily as a marketing tool, but can't turn a profit for itself.

The fact is the media wants to be in on this social networking that's otherwise its undoing. So they report on the "new, hip" thing, press their own involvement, and start a trend. If I were an old guy who didn't know shit about social networking, but wanted to get involved for my business, I'd probably be drawn to Twitter. After all, it's been on the cover of all those magazines. And CNN talks about it constantly.

I just don't see the big deal. Twitter is like Facebook with only status updates enabled.

I also love the semantics. A single Twitter post is a Tweet. That's because saying, "I just Twittered," sounds dirty. Personally, I think the past tense should be Twat. As in, "I'm going up to to my room to get on my computer and Twat for the world to see."

Don't ask...

Lost in the shuffle of celebrity deaths this week is, you know, relevant news. At least something more relevant than anything Farrah Fawcett has done in the past, oh, say, thirty years.

Our armed forces is kicking out capable Americans. Decorated fighter pilots and Arabic translators and fighters and soldiers, under Don't Ask Don't Tell. This is nothing new. DADT has been on the books for sixteen years now. What is new is the length that we are going to for new recruits. It amazes me the kinds of people we let represent us to the world and the kinds of people we are kicking out.

For instance, this Salon piece argues that our military has become a training and recruiting ground for white supremacists. And it is reported that "moral waivers" are way up in military recruiting. A moral waiver is when the military lets someone in who otherwise would not qualify, such as an ex-felon. Does this mean that prison sex does not count as gay sex, or is somehow less offensive than gay sex?

Let's do a comparison of who is allowed to represent the USA overseas while wearing a military uniform.

Former KKK leader David Duke: acceptable

Congressman Barney Frank: unacceptable

Convicted felon: acceptable

Recently outed Lt. Col. Victor Fehrenbacht: unacceptable

Hitler-worshipping Neo-Nazi who would ultimately like to overthrow the United States government: acceptable

John Amaechi: unacceptable

So where do we draw the line? Do we let child molesters in, but only if they target little girls and not little boys? Do we allow "rehabilitated" gays serve our country?

I view the ability to volunteer for military service as one of the liberties that makes this country great. The military is one of the ways for people to rise to power from nothing, both historically and in modern times. It is against the American spirit to deny this avenue to capable men and women.

For every gay person we accept in the military, there's one less moral waiver we have to use and one more person fighting so I don't have to.

They come in fours

Now who's going to yell at me through my TV screen?

First Ed McMahon dies. Then Farrah Fawcett. Then Michael Jackson. Next to go is Billy Mays.

He yelled a lot, but Mays seemed like a nice enough guy. Much better than Vince the Shamwow Guy.

 

Here's a recent clip of Billy Mays, with fellow pitchman Anthony Sullivan, on The Tonight Show. Because they needed to find a way to sell me crap on late night network TV in addition to their cable infomercial empire.

Man, that guy could sell ice to an Eskimo, but he never could sell me shitty orange-scented cleaning products.

Adam and Sean Text the Royals

I just had a texting conversation about the Royals and the MLB draft with my friend Sean, which he posted over at his blog. If you want to read our ramblings, click on through.

This is a change for me because I'm pretty sure he has more than the two readers I get.

Adventures with streaming video

*Now with updates to try to fix my inability to post correctly.

This is the conclusion I have come to after two weeks of trying, and occasionally succeeding, to use the streaming video application.

If I have failed to correctly use the service in some way, it is not for lack of trying. I went so far as to e-mail Bob Bowman, the President and CEO of MLB Advanced Media, a strategy that yielded surprisingly fast results.

Two weeks ago, I signed up to pay 20 bucks per month to use "mlb.tv premium." This would give me access to home and away video feeds to all games, as well as both radio feeds and highlights packages. The games would have "nexdef" feeds, which is MLB's term for high definition streaming video. Or at least that was what was advertised.

The point of this is that I am a huge baseball fan rooting for a team based in Kansas City while living in California. Also, I do not have cable or satellite TV so I cannot get the MLB Extra Innings package. Instead, I figured I would get mlb.tv and stream it to my TV with an HDMI cord, something I do with streaming video frequently. My Internet connection is generally good enough to support video, especially with a special program and client installed for this expressed purpose. (A program, I might add, that inserted itself in the "startup" folder on my laptop and is meant to run in the background at all times. I find this disconcerting and shady.) I should add that I rarely have problems watching games on espn360.com and that I watched most of the NCAA tournament online at mmod.ncaa.com, so I know it's possible to watch live sports feeds on my laptop in my living room.

I have not been able to watch a single game in "nexdef" so far. The stream comes in too fragmented and slowly. Several times per game it crashes my browser. Because the stream was so fragmented, the actual game would be several minutes ahead of the footage I was seeing. When I restarted my browser, I would find that I've missed several minutes or even innings of a game.

I have not been able to watch a single game in high definition. This is despite of some of the worst customer service I have ever encountered, followed by some of the best customer service I have ever encountered. 

The bad customer support came when I called mlb.tv's customer support phone number. I called twice on the same day and talked to three people, all of whom recommended the same troubleshooting steps in the same order, none of which helped. These were steps that had me do things like check the cache capacity on my Internet browser and make sure that I have indeed installed all three necessary programs to use mlb.tv -- Silverlight, Adobe Flash Player, and the mlb.tv nexdef plug-in. The customer service reps could not offer more help than that, and when I pressed them for something else, they pushed back rudely. Apparently they were given a list of steps to recommend but are in fact less tech-savvy than I am (and I am not exactly an IT professional). In other words, if they would just give me that list of steps, I would not have to waste my time, patience, or cell phone minutes talking to people in a call center.

I was especially pissed at the rudeness that the third call center employee displayed when I asked for more help, then asked to speak to another employee. She said to me, "You can speak to someone else, but they're just going to tell you the same things. So you might as well listen to me." She then read from a card the steps to check that my Internet was indeed plugged in, and did so in a condescending tone.

I also had e-mail conversations with the mlb.tv help crew. I only called when I found the e-mail conversations lacking and one-sided. Let me reproduce those e-mail conversations below. I wrote this first e-mail after a game I was watching crashed in the eighth inning with a tie score.

To whom it may concern:

I am a mlb.tv premium subscriber. Today the games are not streaming. My high-speed Internet connection is otherwise working well, so I have to assume the problem is on your end. Please resolve the problem so I can watch today's games.

(signature)

Dear Adam,

Thank you for sending your email. I apologize for the difficulty experienced. Please call our customer service department at 1-866-800-1275 so we can do some troubleshooting and improve your experience. Thank you for taking the time to write!

To whom it may concern:

Thank you for replying, but let me point out that I spent an hour on the phone "troubleshooting" yesterday and got nowhere. Three members of your support staff ran me through the same half dozen or so steps. It became clear that I know much more about how the software works than your support staff and that they are trained to tell me the same things in the same order, regardless of its relevance to this particular situation.

I do not want to spend more time on the phone listening to rude people tell me to "right click on the application, click on the folder icon, and slide the bar over to 10MB," then "turn off my computer, unplug my Internet connection and plug it back in when the computer restarts." Each of three people told me these steps yesterday, among other, similarly asinine fixes. Nothing was accomplished. the customer support was no more than people reading a list of FAQs to me. I don't need to call for that.

I have still yet to be able to watch one entire game in one sitting. The quality of the stream ranges from mediocre to poor when I do watch. This occurs on multiple computers in different places with different Internet access.

I am disappointed in your product.

(signature)

Dear Customer: (note they stopped using my name here)

In an effort to provide you with the best viewing experience MLB.com has been making upgrades to our 2009 Media Player. We apologize for any inconvenience that this has caused you in accessing the games.

We continue to be committed to our customers and thank you for your patience as we make enhancements to our Media Player.

This is not exactly personalized support. I'd be surprised if anyone actually read my e-mails beyond the subject line of "Games not streaming." So, I did the only reasonable thing: I e-mailed the CEO.

It's surprisingly easy to find the e-mail address of most corporate types. It took about two minutes to find Robert Bowman's e-mail address: one to find his name and one to find the correct e-mail address. Google is a wonderful tool.

For those who are wondering, the address is bob.bowman@mlb.com.

I sent Mr. Bowman this e-mail:

Mr. Bowman:
I do not know if you will actually see this e-mail, but I figured that it is worth a try. You were listed online as the person in charge of MLBAM. I hope I am not mistaken in assuming my concerns are in your jurisdiction.
My name is Adam Ross. I am an mlb.tv premium subscriber, but I have had problems with the player since signing up last week.
I have not been able to watch an entire game without long delays and often I cannot get any picture at all. I have called and e-mailed customer support, but so far the help has been non-existent. At the bottom of this e-mail, I have cut and pasted the e-mail back-and-forth with a representative, should you want to read it.
If I can sum up the experience, I would say that the application does not do what I have paid for, the customer service reps on the phone are rude and unable to help, and the customer service reps who have e-mailed me are more interested in getting me to shut up than they are in actually solving anything.
I do not like to complain. All I want is to be able to watch the Royals from California while I am home with the flu and out of work.
This is no better than my previous experience with mlb.tv. While in college I bought a month but canceled when I went back to KC for the summer. It took me an hour waiting on hold to cancel, otherwise my credit card would have been automatically billed. I assume this is unintentional, but I still find it unfair. I hoped the business changed as it grew, but so far I am disappointed.
Thank you for your time,

(signature)

Within an hour, I got a phone call from a member of the MLBAM IT department. He was calling me from his commute home from work in NYC, not from the call center in Houston I had called before. He didn't acknowledge that I had e-mailed his boss' boss but he did acknowledge during conversation details of that e-mail above.

Let that be a lesson. Good customer support still exists. You just have to ruffle the right feathers.

This was last Thursday. On Friday I spoke to two IT guys late in the day, but they called me as I was headed out the door and they failed to get anything accomplished.

It can be a little intimidating talking to well-informed IT guys. I found that they had all my contact information, my past history in doing business with the company, and my phone number that I don't remember giving anyone.

I spent two hours dealing with mlb.tv on Saturday. On of the IT guys, Kushal Patel out of NYC, called me on my cell and hijacked control of my computer (with my consent) through livemeeting.com.

The problem has not yet been resolved, though not through lack of effort. So far Mr. Patel wants to blame my Internet Service Provider, but that fails to address how I can still watch espn360 but not mlb.tv.

In fact, it only got worse over the weekend. For some reason, mlb.tv thinks I am in Minnesota, as it blacked me out of the series between Kansas City and Minnesota.

I am awaiting further contact with Mr. Patel. I am not anticipating getting this service to work for me. It's a shame, really. Here MLB has a product that not only am I willing to pay for, but I am begging them to help me get it so I can pay for it, yet they are failing.

If mlb.tv loses me as a customer, its business model is in serious trouble. I am relatively Internet-savvy, I am a huge baseball fan, and I am willing to shell out $20 per month to watch my team.

They call him "Bitch Tits"

There is a scene at the end of Johnny Dangerously* where the titular character, former mobster and current pet store owner Johnny tells a boy not to go into crime, because crime doesn't pay. He then climbs into one of a procession of stretch limos, sits next to his beautiful wife, and says something like, "well, maybe it pays a little."

*Did you know your last name's an adverb?

I bring this up because Selena Roberts' book on Alex Rodriguez apparently accuses A-Rod of using steroids since high school. Also, there are reports that he used much longer than he previously admitted to, including time with the Yankees.

All of this was meant to turn this:

into this:

 

I would like to point the money Alex Rodriguez is owed by the Yankees, courtesy of Cot's.

Alex Rodriguez 3b
10 years/$275M (2008-17)

• 10 years/$275M (2008-17)
  • re-signed by Yankees as a free agent 12/13/07
  • $10M signing bonus ($2M paid upon approval, $1M paid each Jan. 15, 2009-2013, $3M paid Jan. 15, 2014)
  • 08:$27M, 09:$32M, 10:$32M, 11:$31M, 12:$29M, 13:$28M, 14:$25M, 15:$21M, 16:$20M, 17:$20M
  • $30M marketing agreement based on home run milestones ($6M each for reaching 660, 714, 755 and tying and breaking major league HR record)
  • no-trade protection
  • perks: may purchase 4 best available season tickets for 2008, 4 Legends Suite or comparable season tickets for 2009-17
  • Texas obligated to fund $9M as part of deferred compensation provision in previous contract (to be paid with interest in $3M increments in 2008, 2009 & 2010)

 

That's right. Including this season, the Yankees owe A-Rod $258 million, with more if he hits home run milestones.

But crime doesn't pay.

Also, the 2005 Yankees gave A-Rod a nickname: Bitch Tits. Which marks the first time I've used the term "Bitch Tits" since my first post.

Things to do when you're unemployed

Live out your frustrations vicariously through the world around you

Kids today. With their rap music and their iPods and their Twittering. They're what's wrong with America. They're why I can't get work.

What? The Chiefs took who with their first pick? Those bastards. I could be a better general manager than the prick they hired. And I look better in a tee shirt.

Where was I? Oh, right, what's wrong with the world today. I blame those lousy Democrats/Republicans/Socialists/Whigs*. Dragging the economy down and...

*Ed. Note: Pick whichever you like the least.

Shit. Did you see the cover of People? Sean Penn and Princess Buttercup are getting separated. If two people like that can't make it in this crazy world, what chance is there for me? Maybe things would've been better if he weren't such a Commie Pinko Leftist and she'd made a relevant movie in the past fifteen years.

Dammit! The Royals just put in Kyle Farnsworth. Maybe if that tool had one more tribal arm tattoo he'd be a better pitcher. Shit, I could earn his $4.5 million per year if all I had to do was suck and lose a game every week. Hell, I'd do it for half. And I wouldn't be a complete tool while doing so.

Wait, sorry, I lost my train of thought. Oh, right. Those dirty Jews gave us the swine flu as punishment for eating pork. I can't help it! Bacon is delicious. I mean, what's next? Hind-quarters-of-the-cow colds? Mutated genes caused by putting cheese on my chicken breasts?

Aw, fuck it. There's baseball on. That ought to pass the time until the next apocalypse.

Failed Business Models: Satellite Radio

A share of Sirius XM is now selling for $0.41. You could buy a round lot for $41. I would advise against that.

Background: I got an XM receiver about two years ago from Circuit City (remember them?). Let me first tell you the things it did well: gave me more options of radio stations to flip through while driving, with fewer commercials.

Ok, now that I've listed the good things, I can get to the meat of this post. XM advertised "commercial-free music," but what they didn't mention is that only about half of its channels were commercial-free. About half of those were just an iPod in the XM studios set to "shuffle" with a large playlist, whereas half had actual DJs who played the same stuff you get on local radio. That's fine, there were some music channels I liked that had more variety than I heard in Kansas City.

The other half the channels had commercials. Some have lots of commercials, like CNN Radio, which is really just a feed from CNN's TV without the images.

The quality of sound isn't as good as expected, either, mostly because the XM receiver does not hook directly up to my speakers. I had to buy and adaptor that sent out the XM signal into radio waves that my car antenna picked up. This diluted sound quality and also forced me to occasionally change the FM frequency depending on the frequency of local radio stations. Some busy metropolitan areas that I drove through have few empty frequencies, meaning XM becomes more or less useless. Combine that with XM's inability to work when surrounded by tall buildings or, bizarrely, on highway on-ramps, and it's a wonder they sell any radios to people in cities.

The biggest selling point for XM over Sirius (back when they were separate companies) was the promise of MLB baseball broadcasts. All of them. I don't spend three hours at a time in my car, but the receiver I bought came with a home stereo. I could take the receiver out of the cradle in my car and plug it into the stereo for my listening pleasure. After the merger with Sirius, however, my home receiver no longer works. It's now just a shitty CD player that uses a lot of power and has extra wires. It sits in my closet for months at a time.

Of course, the stereo was shoddily made anyway. The part where the XM receiver plugs in has too many moving parts. It resembles more of the original spring-loaded cartridge system of the NES, rather than the top-mounted simplicity of the Super NES.

Not only was the stereo shoddily made, but so was the XM receiver and the dock mounted in my car. The dock rattles noisily whenever I drive at speeds over 50 miles per hour, which I do on the highway, through school zones, in parking lots, and after too many drinks*. The receiver lost its main "do everything" button after being taken back and forth from my car to my shitty stereo too often, so now I can't do simple things like change the FM frequency.

*Parts of this statement may not be true. There is too much traffic to hit 50 on the highway since I moved to California, for instance. 

The Sirius merger was supposed to come with better stations. Instead, it changed the stations all just a little bit, to something often less tolerable. For instance, my favorite '90s rock station changed to something that plays Creed. That's not cool. All the good stuff Sirius had that XM didn't, like football and Howard Stern, is part of a pricier premium package. Also, they have now started to charge for subscribers to listen to streaming Internet feeds, something that used to be free. So, given that my shitty stereo no longer works, I can't listen to baseball unless I'm in my car unless I decide to pony up more cash.

I paid $300 all told for the XM receiver and car installation. I have to view that as a sunk cost. XM is no longer worth the monthly rate. And if Sirius XM is losing the customers it already has, what does that say for its future as a business?

The Voice

Harry Kalas died yesterday. He was the voice of the Philadelphia Phillies and of NFL Flims, among other things. I never was a Philly fan so I can't say I listened to that much of him, but through NFL films and lots of ESPN I can say that I am familiar with the man. And I'll tell you this: when I first saw the man on TV it was very disconcerting. He was the voice. He had no face. No man could possibly have a voice that perfect for radio.

It's not that he had an ugly face. Far from it. It's just that man was not created to have a voice like that. Picture the old NFL films highlight reels. That's his voice, like a god from the heavens.

It's always disconcerting to see the faces that go with the voices. I am family friends with the voice of (among many other things) movie previews, Kris Stevens*. I don't mean to make it sound like I'm close with the man, as I haven't seen him in years, but he has had a couple of Thanksgiving dinners that my mother prepared. It feels a bit weird for me to see the voice behind, "In a time where the world is near an end. In a place only acclaimed director Michael Bay can bring us...."

*Not the guy from the Geico commercials. His competitor.

Of course, Harry Kalas' ability to distance himself from his subject is part of what made him great. He was able to provide the voice, the tenor, and the feeling of the game without intruding. The action took precedence over him. As a Kansas City fan, I've spent countless hours listening to Denny Matthews on the radio. He could tell great, interesting stories about players and people he's met, but I still have no idea what Matthews' personality is like. And that's the point and part of what makes Matthews a brilliant radio announcer. He doesn't have Kalas' voice, but no one does. Matthews tells a game in the most minimalist fashion, letting the tone of his voice tell us how high the fly balls are hit and the sound of the bat how hard.

In recent years, the Royals have paired Matthews with either Ryan LeFebvre or Bob White. Neither has been quite right. LeFebvre inserts too much of his personality on the game. It seems like he reminds us every other inning who he is. White gets too excited over little things. As in, "Sizemore pops the ball up near third base. Alex Gordon is calling for it. And he MAKES THE CATCH!!!!! WOW!!!!"

There are games where Matthews takes a day off to rest his voice or for personal reasons and these games never feel the same to listen to. I can imagine how hard it will be for Philly fans for the rest of this season. Good thing they won that World Series last year. They got an extra postseason of the voice.

The swirling vortex of suck

Sometimes I wonder why I don't like watching golf more than I do. Today is not one of those days.

I spent most of the afternoon watching the final round of the Masters with my dad. Apparently this is being considered one of the most riveting Masters* in years. I saw three fat guys engage in a competition of whoever sucks less, gets the green jacket**.

*How do the people running The Masters use the name of their tournament in a sentence? Is it one of the most riveting The Masters in years?

**My dad is colorblind. I could probably convince him that the green jacket is actually brown, and the name is based on doing well on the greens in Augusta. And that Greenland is actually green.

Let's recap: Kenny Perry, the fat 48-year-old, had a two stroke lead with two holes to play. He bogeyed both of them, leading to a manage-a-trois repeat of the 18th hole with two other somewhat rotund golfers, Angel Cabrera and Chad Campbell. Cabrera survived the worst tee shot of the day when neither Perry nor Campbell could make a fucking shot. Campbell bowed out after that hole because he can't putt, either.

How on earth these guys beat Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson in this tournament is beyond me. I take that back. I know how Phil lost. He got too cute on a par-3 and knocked his ball into the water, taking a double bogey.

Perry then found a way to make another bogey on the next hole, a one-on-one rematch of the tenth. Cabrera didn't win so much as everyone else lost.

I could've spent the day watching the Royals' dramatic comeback win over the Yankees, but my dad likes golf and I was in his living room. The good news is that the Royals will still be there tomorrow, and I'll be at the game. So unless they show golf on that giant fucking big screen in center field, I think I'm safe from the swirling vortex of suck brought upon us by Kenny Perry and Augusta, Georgia.

Baseball season is upon us

This is the time of year when my girlfriend starts complaining to her friends about being a baseball widow.* That's right, it's Opening Weekend. Games start on Sunday with the Dodgers coming to San Francisco to visit BALCO. Err, I mean, play a game against the Giants. 

*I kid. She tells her friends I'm six-foot-four and built like an Adonis. And that I'm employed.

It's not baseball season without every hack writer trying to predict what's what will happen. So I'll take a crack at it. Here are my predictions, starting with the standings. I am doing this off-the-cuff. And I will deny having written this in October, unless I am right, in which case I will reprint this here every day for a month.

NL East

1. Mets
2. Fish
3. Phillies
4. Braves
5. Nationals

NL Central

1. Cubs
2. Cardinals
3. Socialist Commie Pinko Reds
4. Brewers
5. Pirates
6. Astros

NL West

1. Dodgers
2. Diamondbacks
3. Giants
4. Rockies
5. Padres

Wild Card: Marlins

MVP: Hanley Ramirez, SS, Marlins

Cy Young: Johan Santana, Mets

AL East

1. Red Sox
2. (Formerly the Devil) Rays
3. Axis of Evil
4. Blue Jays
5. Orioles

AL Central

1. Native Americans
2. Royals
3. Twins
4. White Sox
5. Tigers

AL West

1. Athletics
2. Angels
3. Mariners
4. Rangers

Wild Card: Rays

MVP: Grady Sizemore, CF, Tribal Nations

Cy Young: CC Sabathia, Evil Doers

 

Other Predictions:

• The worst team in the American League could finish third if placed in any National League division.
• A promising Twins team will be derailed by injuries and lack of depth. It's already starting, with star catcher Joe Mauer and solid pitcher Scott Baker starting the season on the Disabled List.
• Detroit will spend June and July trying (and failing) to hold a fire sale.
• In a fit of rage over his team's third-place performance, Hal Steinbrenner will attempt to burn down the new Yankee Stadium. He will later blame the entire season on a worldwide conspiracy to keep the Yankees down. He will be applauded for being more sane than his father was at his age.
• The Marlins will go to the playoffs, but no one in Miami will realize they have a baseball team.

Where have you gone, Sidd Finch?

Do you think Sports Illustrated would have the stones to pull a fast one on its readers anymore?

For the uninformed, on April 1st, 1985, SI published an article by George Plimpton about a skinny, hiking-boot wearing, meditating kid who threw 153-mph fastballs. He called himself Sidd, after Siddhartha. If you haven't read it, the link is above.

I don't think there is any way that today's version of SI would do that. It's too afraid, too risk-averse, and too afraid to print anything longer than three pages. Between the Internet, ESPN, writers moving around, and SI's being owned by a giant conglomerate that includes ESPN, ABC, Disney, and CNN, the magazine has changed. It acts like a website in print form.

What SI won't seem to realize is that I already have websites. I need SI to use its resources to give me what I don't already have. Really good writing, long form articles, the story behind the story. I don't need a half a column to profile Twins shortstop Nick Punto, written by a nameless "staff writer." I need eight pages profiling Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols, written by Joe Posnanski, a great article written in a style that we see increasingly less of.

The Great Equalizer

One of my favorite things about baseball is that it's a sport that anyone can play, and play well. You could have the fat guy who doesn't run well, the short guy who was always picked last in basketball, or the world class athlete and all three of them could be equally good at baseball.

Maybe the fat guy has a powerful swing and can pick it at first base, the short guy has quick hands to turn the double play, and the world class athlete can't swing the bat at all but makes up for it by playing a big center field.

Of course, as Royals fans will point out, the world class athlete who can really run sometimes sucks. Just ask Joey Gathright. The guy can run as fast as anyone in the league, jumps over cars just for shits and grins, and manages to hit like my mother. When she's drunk. And holding a golf club. But hey, he's really fast! Enjoy your new center fielder, Cubs fans.

With this in mind, I will attempt to construct a team full of "normal" guys scattered throughout today's major leaguers. The players who are not world class athletes. They're just like you and me, fat guys and short guys and lanky, unathletic guys who managed to find ways to contribute to a major league club.

 

Catcher: Sal Fasano, Rockies. Nothing's cooler than his handlebar moustache. He came up in Kansas City more than a decade ago as a hot prospect, but the Royals quickly realized he was too fat and didn't do enough steroids, so they cast him aside. I'm amazed he's still got a Major League job, but he's a professional.

 

First Base: Dmitri Young, Nationals

Another fat guy! "Da Meat Hook" Young is in some ways a typical Major Leaguer -- he sucks unless it's his contract year. But he's also a genial guy and considered a leader in the clubhouse (unlike his brother.) But he sure doesn't look like a Major Leaguer.

Second Base: Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox

I can't tell if he's the defending MVP or part of the cast of Willow.

Third Base: Melvin Mora, Orioles

He's the father of quintuplets and he still has time to be vastly overpaid. He's living the dream! He "wrote" a chapter in 50 Things Every Guy Should Know How to Do about caring for children.

Shortstop: David Eckstein, Padres

The little guy who doesn't hit, can't throw, and misleads us by having a "stein" name but being a devout Christian is also a World Series MVP.

Outfielders: Matt Stairs, Phillies

Can you believe this portly Canadian slugger used to be a shortstop in the Expos organization?

Coco Crisp, Royals

The guy with the best name in the history of mankind is actually the son of a boxer. He doesn't really belong on this list, but he's here so I can point out that he throws like a sissy.

Brian Giles, Padres

Generously listed at 5'10", we know he's really about half a foot shorter. Yet Giles has had a great career and remains productive into his late 30s, unlike his steroid-abusing brother Marcus.

Pitchers: Jamie Moyer, Phillies

He's 46 years old, throws about 80 miles per hour, and wins World Series games.

Tim Wakefield, Red Sox

Kids, if you can learn to throw a knuckleball, you can be a millionaire "athlete" too.

Roy Oswalt, Astros

Another guy who is generously listed as 6'0", 170 lbs, Oswalt is a self-taught pitcher and a hick who made his owner buy him a bulldozer. Seriously. And he likes huntin' and fishin' and wrastlin'. Why can't the Royals ever find players like him in the 23rd round?

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Today we all pretend we're a people that few of us actually are as an excuse to get drunk. Funny how the Irish are stereotyped to be drunks to such a degree, and funnier still that every Irish person I've ever met is proud of this aspect of his/her heritage. At least outwardly. I'm sure they're crying on the inside. Which leads to more drinking. Ah, the circle of life.

 

Little-known fact: most Irish are girl-drink drunks. That would explain the Bailey's.

So have an Irish Car Bomb for me, then sober up with an Irish coffee and take a cab home.

Things to do when you're unemployed

Run a scam!

The other day, my friend decided to help me make a little money. He sent me the link to a conference to teach me to work at home.

For those of you who don't click the link, it sends you to the "Third annual Nigerian EMail (sic) Conference," where the slogan is "Write better emails. Make more moneys." I love the testimonial at the bottom.

"I AM FIRMLY CONVINCED THAT USING UPPERCASE LETTERS MAKES MY WRITING MORE EFFECTIVE." - Mr. Ibrahim Ahmed

Wow! For only $995 I could've attended that conference! Think of all the money I could have made! Instead, I'll have to figure out my own money-making opportunity.

Of course, I could run a Ponzi scheme, but that's so cliche now. I couldn't possibly equal what Madoff and Stanford did. The banks have a good scheme going now. Their plan is to suck at their jobs, get paid a lot, drive the company to bankruptcy, get government assistance, and pay themselves a lot more. The only similar job I can think of is U.S. senator.

One of my favorite scams is to act like I'm going to help people get out of debt, when all I really do is consolidate their loans and add my name to their list of payments. Like this guy does.

Remember, when running a scam, don't do it over the phone and try to avoid scamming over state lines. You don't want the Feds on your tail. Ha, who am I kidding? They're bumbling and incompetent.

My advice? Get something that vaguely resembles a human face and claim that it's Jesus or Mary, then charge people to see it. The more poor, desolate Catholics that live near you, the better the chance of making money.

Things to do when you're unemployed

Actually Apply for Jobs

The following is a list of websites that have so far failed to end my unemployment, despite their promises to help my job search: Monster, Career Builder, Hot Jobs, Craig's List, countless company websites, temp agencies, and industry-specific sites.

Why have they failed? Because these web sites don't actually do anything.You post a resume or two so employers could theoretically see it and call you. You search for jobs and submit your own resume, cover letter, social security number, pet's name, why you're good for this job, mother's maiden name, desired income, what you ate for breakfast, and education level. The server then throws all that crap in a pile and promises you that someone is looking at your info. They're not. They're too busy making Super Bowl ads to get anyone a job.

It's estimated that ninety (90) percent of jobs are filled before they're advertised. In other words, you've got to know someone, get extremely lucky, become a corporation/HR representative stalker, or some combination of the above to get a decent job. Especially in this job market, which, as you might have heard, is down. The resume that you had to reformat ten times to copy and paste into Career Builder, only to have the site crash and make you start over again? Yeah, that sits on the server to never be looked at.

It should also be noted that, since signing up for these websites, I get e-mails from the likes of retirementjobs.com, which is great because I think I'm living my retirement now. I'll have to work when I'm 80.

Monster and Career Builder also asked me for the names and categories of positions that I want. So I filled in things like "finance" and "business analyst." I get job recommendations as a result, for jobs like "truck driver" and "administrative assistant." If I were to click on these jobs, I would find that they filled a month ago. And that I would need a type-B driver's license or something like that.

The biggest reason that I am jobless is that I will not stoop to a low level to get my job. For instance, many people who claim to know about these things recommend getting an informational interview. Put simply, that's calling some higher-up at a company on the pretense that you're looking for a contact and curious about the industry in general. You're not. You're interested in working for the guy, but you can't come out and say it. You try to ask good questions and come across as competent and stick around his office until he offers you a job to make you leave. Or, as put in my handy Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit by Louis Beckwith:

2. for the experienced person, a real pain in the ass, perhaps committed to because the SVP of sales' daughter wants to get into publicity, or the experienced professional has a minute belief of karma and thinks it's the "right" thing to do (and frankly, could use the ego boost of someone thinking their job is really awesome)--either way, a total time-suck that gets rescheduled five times because it's off the radar 3. for neophytes, a request for a job, even though they often show up ridiculously unprepared and with completely misinformed ideas about the industry being discussed; will often exude the aura of "so when are you going to give me/help me get a job?"

 

Sometimes I feel like I am in The Grapes of Wrath (a book I haven't actually read): A guy from the Dustbowl moves to California and seeking work during economic hard times. I hope Henry Fonda plays me in the film version. And they add in some more interesting plot developments, like a sexy sidekick, or have me living above a strip club or something like that.

The Oscars always get it wrong

Nothing shows Hollywood's disconnect from America, from art, or from the filmmakers more than watching the Oscars. They never get the big awards right. Famously, they voted Ordinary People over Raging Bull, Gigi over Vertigo, and How Green Was My Valley over Citizen Kane. Way to go, Hollywood.

This year was no different. I am, of course, talking about Slumdog Millionaire winning Best Picture over Death Race. Some pretentious dribble love story over a heart-pumping car racing movie?

Let's look at the Best Picture nominees to see where they got it wrong.

Slumdog Millionaire

How far do you want me to suspend my disbelief, Hollywood? Some guy going on a game show to win lots of money, I get that, but the cheesy love story that goes with it? Also, it is in some made-up country called India. Not to get all PC on you, Hollywood (that's your job) I believe these people prefer to be called Native Americans.

Milk

This guy won Best Actor?

And he did so portraying a dead gay guy? If you could've predicted that twenty years ago, I'd have thought you'd smoked more bud than, well, Sean Penn.

Did anyone out there ever see Casualties of War? It's this pretentious anti-war movie with Michael J. Fox playing the naive kid and Sean Penn as the bad guy, and amoral American soldier in Vietnam. As Penn is about to rape a Vietnamese woman, he says as dark clouds circle him and tense music plays, "This is my rifle, this is my gun. This is for fighting, this is for fun." The hilarity of that line gets me every time, especially given the over-dramatic execution of it. Come on, Penn. Rape isn't funny.

Frost/Nixon

More historical babble. If I'm to understand Hollywood, if you make a historical political movie, and do it with a big budget and a name director, you get nominated for Best Picture.

Seriously, how am I supposed to take this movie seriously? Did you see the guy's hair? I know it's trying to be historically accurate, but did you have to take the worst part of the 1970s with you? Hopefully this movie doesn't bring back that haircut, along with the soaring gas prices, a recession, and an endless war in Asia....

The Reader

I frequently state that movies would be made better with more gratuitous nudity. I'm on board for that. But did it have to be British nudity?

 The Wrestler

I can actually get behind this movie. I think they should make a sequel: The Wrestler 2: The Chris Benoit Story. In The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke completes a stunning comeback into respectability. In another triumphant return to acting, OJ Simpson could play the lead in the sequel. Like Rourke, he could get Oscar nominated for playing himself.

Cruel, funny day in sports

Two great articles for your amusement. First, from Deadspin:

The 100th season of the Montreal hockey club has had ups and downs, but it's not clear yet where "finding out two of your players are mobbed up" falls on the spectrum of season highlights.

Now that hockey's gone all Sonny Liston on us, maybe I'll watch a game. I mean, the fighting parts are ok, but fighting and mafia ties? Add some cheerleaders (and maybe actually televise a game) and I'm in.

 

Second, Ken Rosenthal over at Fox Sports has a story on athletes being caught up in financial scandals. Notably, Johnny Damon has had his assets seized as part of the investigation into financier Robert Allen Stanford.

For those of you not in the know,

this goofy looking guy allegedly hoodwinked $8 billion from investors. Apparently sports figures have been caught up in this, as clients of both the Scott Boras, Inc. and IMG agencies have been taken. This is another example of rich people not watching their money; Mets' owner Fred Wilpon was taken in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme.

The humor here is that Johnny Damon, making $13 million per year, can't pay his bills. And I find this funny because Johnny Damon went from wunderkind to impossible asshat in the span of about a decade. It's a story of how money corrupts, so it's only fitting that he now can't access that money.

The simplified story of Johnny Damon goes like this: boy wonder from Wichita gets taken by his boyhood favorite team, the Royals, in the first round of the draft. He marries his high school sweetheart. He tears up the minor leagues and says all the right things. He gets to Kansas City, becomes an all-star, declares he wants to be a Royal for his career. Then he sees the money around him and fires his agent in order to replace him with Scott Boras.

Boras then makes it known that Damon will not resign with the team before testing the free agent market, in spite of a reported four-year, $30 million contract offer (give or take) from Kansas City. So the Royals trade him to Oakland (for far too little, but that's another story) where Damon plays out his final year before free agency by playing the worst he's ever played. So now he's burned his bridge in Kansas City and takes a four-year, $30 million contract from the Red Sox.

Somewhere along this timeline, he has divorced his high school sweetheart and replaced her with a model.

Damon was, of course, instrumental in the Red Sox run to finally win a World Series. He then spurned another fan base when he left for the Yankees' money, but not before he could publish a book that he "wrote" where he could profit still more. He hasn't been healthy since. He is, however, in a contract year, so expect big things in 2009 from the 35-year-old. And pray your favorite team doesn't sign him next year.

Also, pray he doesn't "write" another book to get him out of this cash bind he's in.

One more note on updated literature

Let it be known that I called it.

Coming to a theater near you (courtesy slashfilm.com).

Hollywood Studios Bidding For Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Posted on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 8:54 pm by: Brendon Connelly

According to the Sunday Times, Hollywood studios (I quote) are already fighting for the rights to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a Jane Austen rewrite that injects a little undead action and is due to hit bookstores in April.

I wonder if they can get Bruce Campbell to play Mr. Rochester.

Wait, wrong book. All that trash runs together.

More Updated Literary Classics

The subject of my last post has inspired me to come up with other ways to update classic literature. After all, what was great yesterday is often boring today. These are some of my ideas for new versions of old books. If they get made, I expect royalties.

 

Oliver Twist versus the Nazis

By Charles Dickens and Philip Roth

The touching story of a Victorian-age orphan sabotaging Hitler's secret plan of using time-travel to win World War II before it began.

 

The Call of the Cujo

By Jack London and Stephen King

The vicious man-eating dog is kidnapped and taken into the Yukon, where he kills his entire team and two Eskimo villages before becoming the leader of a pack of wolves.

 

Frankenstein meets Abbott and Costello

Wait, that's been done.

 

The Tragedy of Macbeth and the 101 Dalmatians

Out damn'd spot!

How to get your kids to read the classics

There's a problem with classic novels: they're inherently old. The language is archaic, the humor doesn't translate to modern times, and the ideas have been reused so often they're no longer novel (pardon the pun).

Take, for instance, this passage from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, lifted from a random page I opened to in my Mark Twain: Four complete novels hardcover.

That night we went down the lightning-rod a little after ten, and took one of the candles along, and listened under the window-hole, and heard Jim snoring; so we pitched it in, and it didn't wake him.

That passage is about one tenth of the paragraph. English teachers don't like to admit this, but Twain is hard for modern kids to read. Furthermore, he teaches kids grammar that is no longer considered proper. Let's reproduce that paragraph as if a child wrote it and I am the teacher grading it.

That night we went down the lightning-rod (remove the hyhen, -1 pt) a little after ten, and (comma splice, -2 pts) took one of the candles along, and (comma splice, -2 pts) listened under the window-hole (remove the hyphen, -1 pt), and (comma splice, -2 pts) heard Jim snoring; so we pitched it in, and (comma splice, -2 pts) it didn't wake him. (Run-on sentence, -2 pts)

Hey, at least the kid knows the proper use of a semicolon.

No wonder kids never want to read. It's hard enough to get through the plots of these books with Cliff's Notes, but to decipher these sentences while doing it takes more time and energy than you realize.

Fortunately, someone has come up with a solution to keep our youths interested in the classics. It's all about knowing your audience. If you can take a classic and update it just a little bit, then you might be able to motivate your child to spend those hours reading and understanding the text.

From chroniclebooks.com

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies features the original text of Jane Austen's beloved novel with all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie action. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton—and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Complete with 20 illustrations in the style of C. E. Brock (the original illustrator of Pride and Prejudice), this insanely funny expanded edition will introduce Jane Austen's classic novel to new legions of fans.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies features the original text of Jane Austen's beloved novel with all-new scenes of bone crunching zombie action.
About the Author
JANE AUSTEN is the author of Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion, Mansfield Park, and other masterpieces of English literature. SETH GRAHAME-SMITH is the author of How to Survive a Horror Movie and The Big Book of Porn. He lives in Los Angeles.

 

There's no better way to get your kid reading the classics. Until they make this into a movie starring Anne Hatheway and Robert England. Then they'll just rent the movie and pretend they read the book.

Super Bowl Predictions

Today's Super Bowl Sunday. You know what that means: another excuse to drink until you think Brenda Warner is hot.

We're gonna need a bigger keg.

Here are some of my predictions for today's game.

• Al Michaels will sleep through the first quarter
• Anquan Boldin (v. 2.1) will have his face broken again, this time by Steelers' safety Ryan Clark.
• The only reason Bruce Springsteen agreed to finally do the Super Bowl halftime show is because it is being broadcast on NBC this year -- his drummer, Max Weinberg, is Conan O'Brien's bandleader. That, and the gigantic sack of money, have convinced Bruce to join the darkside.

+ =

• Speaking of The Boss, I predict that the pyrotechnics, or possibly a baton-twirling cheerleader, will light his awful goatee on fire. The Just For Men Beard and Mustache coloring will cause the fire to spread quickly, killing Bruce before we realize he isn't just trying to sing the last note of "Born to Run."

• Upon throwing an interception, Kurt Warner will descend into a spiritual crisis, shouting, "Why God, why?"
• The Steelers will win, 27-17
• I will get the previous prediction wrong but disavow having ever made it.

Things to do when you're unemployed:

Join a cult!

There are two kinds of cults. The first is the kind where you get to have some kind of belief that completely ostracizes you from normal society. It leads you to appear on television acting even more insane than normal. It could be the belief that your fearless leader is a descendant of Chirst, or that he is some Christ-like figure, or is Christ himself. As long as he has the ability to make you kill, or give your underage daughters to creepy older men, or give up all your earthly possessions.

The second kind is where you let someone else do all that for you, because you've killed yourself.

I'm advocating that you join the first kind of cult. What's the fun of having an excuse to act like a nut if you're dead? Ever want to jump on a couch like a lunatic on national TV? Ever want to eat nothing but lima beans? Ever want to sell all your earthly possessions and move into a permanent summer camp? Or follow the orders of a deranged genius intent on killing the rich and famous? Or sing "Firewoman"? There's no time like the present.

If you're lucky, the cult you've joined slowly becomes mainstream. Then you're at the forefront of history, simply because you followed some guy who had visions of God while in a cave or decided to write his own addition to the Bible where Jesus will make his return in Missouri.

It doesn't matter what cult you join, be it Scientology, Promise Keepers, or the Green Party. That's a personal choice. Just don't become a fan of Lost. That's the most disgusting cult of all.

Bad Ideas in Marketing

My favorite movie of 2008: The Dark Knight. I doubt I'm alone in this. Great movie. Needed some gratuitous nudity to be perfect, but who am I to judge?

Well, I mean, could it have killed director Christopher Nolan to have Two Face spying on naked women as he descended into madness, or to have the Italian mobsters talking business while enjoying lap dances at Badabing's? If they wanted to topple Titanic on the earnings scale, they needed some nudity. Titanic didn't even have good nudity. Just a pasty British actress posing on a couch.

Griffin Mill: It lacked certain elements that we need to market a film successfully.
June: What elements?
Griffin Mill: Suspense, laughter, violence. Hope, heart, nudity, sex. Happy endings. Mainly happy endings.
June: What about reality?

Anyway, great movie. But has anyone seen the advertisements for the Blue-Ray of The Dark Knight? Some pretty cool features. Scenes improved beyond what theater projectors could do, that kind of stuff. But then the part about making your own directors' commentary?

I can see someone sitting through a commentary by the director, or the writers, or maybe an actor. I've never managed to sit through one, but if I were a big enough fan of a film I could see it happening. Bigger film geeks than I probably do it all the time. But can you see yourself sitting through someone else's commentary? Ever? How did that become a selling point for this Blue-Ray disc?

How many 12-year olds will buy this movie just to make their own commentary and force it upon their friends and family? If your friend tries to make you sit through three hours of fanboy commentary as he talks over this movie, get new friends. If your kid wants to make you sit through his commentary on this film, put him up for adoption.

I know how they decided to include this feature on the Blue-Ray. Someone said, "There's too much empty disc space." Blue-Rays, of course, have more space than one movie can use even with all the special features and commentary and alternate versions in the world. But studio execs feel the need to justify selling you these things so they try to fill the disc. But this idea is just stupid.

On a related note, does anyone get the italicized reference up there?

What the hell is a Gaza?

I know what you’re thinking. “Adam, what’s your take on the war in Gaza right now?”

Great question, reader. First, let me say that just because I’m Jewish, that doesn’t mean I speak for all Jews, or that I put Israel before I put America (because I don’t), or that I can’t sympathize with Palestinians, or that I want to go into retail*. I have been to Israel once, but I am an American and would not want to be any other nationality.

*I had a professor last year say that he would not go into retail unless he was “at least third generation Jew.” I wonder if he realized just how horrible that statement is. Jews, historically, have not been allowed to own the land necessary to produce goods, so they instead had to become merchants. Then we got good at that and people hated us for it. In addition, Catholics and Moors in medieval Europe made us be bankers because of their own usury laws prevented them from doing it, but they needed the capital. Then they resented the shifty Jews for doing that service too. Also, I do not want to go into retail.

Let me sum up the situation for the ignorant among you: the Gaza Strip is a piece of land about the size of Philadelphia located along the Western border of Israel.

Israel gave it to the Palestinians a couple of years ago as a show of good faith, more or less. It had been captured along with the West Bank, the Golan Heights, and the Eastern part of Jerusalem in the Six Day War in 1967, when most of the Arab World attacked Israel unprovoked in an attempt to drive Israel into the sea.

The Gaza Strip is currently governed by Hamas. Hamas was founded with the intent of destroying Israel. In other words, all negotiations towards peace on the part of Hamas have been in bad faith. In American minds, national security means protecting our people first and destroying our enemies second (insert George W. Bush joke here). In the minds of the extremists that run Hamas, their strict interpretation of Islam comes first and the wellbeing of the population second. Part of this belief is that the entire Middle East be Moslem states. They want to drive the heathen Jews away or kill them.

Hamas has been shelling Israeli border towns with rockets and mortars since it took control of the area through a democratic election. Iran has played a key roll in supplying the rockets, bringing them in through tunnels along the Egyptian border. Hamas has been lobbing missiles at Israeli towns and actively trying to kill civilians. They want to provoke Israel into a war. They want to provoke a holy war throughout the Middle East. They want to provoke World War III.

The big question is, why has Israel acted as it has? Surely, it wants to stop the rocket attacks on its town. But what will stop these attacks? Wiping out Hamas is a lofty goal, but what will replace it? Can Hamas regroup even if Israel wipes out its foundations now? I would guess so. If not in name, then in function. Breaking the government might create a power vacuum, which might yield scarier results than Hamas itself. Climates like that make it easy to recruit terrorists.

I am a firm believer that violence begets violence. I do not see Israel’s endgame, but if it is merely as a means for punishment, then this strike is a terrible idea. If Israel can find a way to install the kind of friendly government that it wants, or at least a more moderate government like has taken over the West Bank, then it will have a success. But what are the odds of that happening? And are those odds worth the risks losing a worldwide propaganda war, or possibly starting a much greater war?

 

One interpretation: Israel is working to something bigger. The real enemy is Iran. Iran supplies the rockets. It wants to become the region’s superpower and is using region-wide hatred for Israel as a vehicle for gaining influence. Iran is also attempting to build a nuclear arsenal. Israel wants to stop Iran from becoming nuclear and is running out of time. Meanwhile, America is about to change leadership and thus overhaul its foreign policies. Bush has given Israel free reign. No one is quite sure just how much authority Obama will give Israel. If there is any time to act, now is that time.

 

Further reading

Thomas Friedman of the New York Times, who has lost my attention with some of his other writings but remains one of the foremost authorities on Middle East relations.

My friend Eric at The Israel Situation. We don’t always see eye-to-eye, but he’s bright and informed. If you want to know more, he’ll set you on the right path.

 

If anyone wants to debate in the comments, go for it. Just no name-calling, bigotry, or utter stupidity. Feel free to tell me I’m wrong. Just don’t call me a dumb Jewbag.

Things to do when you’re unemployed

Apply for jobs!

That’s right, there are jobs out there for the taking. They may not be what you want them to be, but hey, somebody’s got to do the little things to keep the economy running. Like professional gas pumpers, which is still mandated by law in New Jersey thanks to a strong union (seriously). Or dog food taste tester. Apparently they don’t get canned in poor economies.

 

Granted, this is not why you wasted spent $100,000 or more on an education and spent first quarter of your life learning. Honestly, though, did you really think you would get to apply that college-level calculus to a real life situation? Or your ability to quote Keats? Nope, not gonna happen there, Poindexter. But is there an opening for work as a janitor at your local community college? Yes!

 

Of course, you can still go another route: keep applying for good jobs and continually get rejected, or worse, ignored. But keep your head up, the career you want could be just around the corner!

 

What’s that you say? Your ideal job isn’t driving trucks? Check your e-mail. I hear you may be related to an African king who is looking to share his fortune.

Or you could try a Ponzi scheme. I hear there’s good money there.