The Great Equalizer

One of my favorite things about baseball is that it's a sport that anyone can play, and play well. You could have the fat guy who doesn't run well, the short guy who was always picked last in basketball, or the world class athlete and all three of them could be equally good at baseball.

Maybe the fat guy has a powerful swing and can pick it at first base, the short guy has quick hands to turn the double play, and the world class athlete can't swing the bat at all but makes up for it by playing a big center field.

Of course, as Royals fans will point out, the world class athlete who can really run sometimes sucks. Just ask Joey Gathright. The guy can run as fast as anyone in the league, jumps over cars just for shits and grins, and manages to hit like my mother. When she's drunk. And holding a golf club. But hey, he's really fast! Enjoy your new center fielder, Cubs fans.

With this in mind, I will attempt to construct a team full of "normal" guys scattered throughout today's major leaguers. The players who are not world class athletes. They're just like you and me, fat guys and short guys and lanky, unathletic guys who managed to find ways to contribute to a major league club.

 

Catcher: Sal Fasano, Rockies. Nothing's cooler than his handlebar moustache. He came up in Kansas City more than a decade ago as a hot prospect, but the Royals quickly realized he was too fat and didn't do enough steroids, so they cast him aside. I'm amazed he's still got a Major League job, but he's a professional.

 

First Base: Dmitri Young, Nationals

Another fat guy! "Da Meat Hook" Young is in some ways a typical Major Leaguer -- he sucks unless it's his contract year. But he's also a genial guy and considered a leader in the clubhouse (unlike his brother.) But he sure doesn't look like a Major Leaguer.

Second Base: Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox

I can't tell if he's the defending MVP or part of the cast of Willow.

Third Base: Melvin Mora, Orioles

He's the father of quintuplets and he still has time to be vastly overpaid. He's living the dream! He "wrote" a chapter in 50 Things Every Guy Should Know How to Do about caring for children.

Shortstop: David Eckstein, Padres

The little guy who doesn't hit, can't throw, and misleads us by having a "stein" name but being a devout Christian is also a World Series MVP.

Outfielders: Matt Stairs, Phillies

Can you believe this portly Canadian slugger used to be a shortstop in the Expos organization?

Coco Crisp, Royals

The guy with the best name in the history of mankind is actually the son of a boxer. He doesn't really belong on this list, but he's here so I can point out that he throws like a sissy.

Brian Giles, Padres

Generously listed at 5'10", we know he's really about half a foot shorter. Yet Giles has had a great career and remains productive into his late 30s, unlike his steroid-abusing brother Marcus.

Pitchers: Jamie Moyer, Phillies

He's 46 years old, throws about 80 miles per hour, and wins World Series games.

Tim Wakefield, Red Sox

Kids, if you can learn to throw a knuckleball, you can be a millionaire "athlete" too.

Roy Oswalt, Astros

Another guy who is generously listed as 6'0", 170 lbs, Oswalt is a self-taught pitcher and a hick who made his owner buy him a bulldozer. Seriously. And he likes huntin' and fishin' and wrastlin'. Why can't the Royals ever find players like him in the 23rd round?