Things to do when you're unemployed

Run a scam!

The other day, my friend decided to help me make a little money. He sent me the link to a conference to teach me to work at home.

For those of you who don't click the link, it sends you to the "Third annual Nigerian EMail (sic) Conference," where the slogan is "Write better emails. Make more moneys." I love the testimonial at the bottom.

"I AM FIRMLY CONVINCED THAT USING UPPERCASE LETTERS MAKES MY WRITING MORE EFFECTIVE." - Mr. Ibrahim Ahmed

Wow! For only $995 I could've attended that conference! Think of all the money I could have made! Instead, I'll have to figure out my own money-making opportunity.

Of course, I could run a Ponzi scheme, but that's so cliche now. I couldn't possibly equal what Madoff and Stanford did. The banks have a good scheme going now. Their plan is to suck at their jobs, get paid a lot, drive the company to bankruptcy, get government assistance, and pay themselves a lot more. The only similar job I can think of is U.S. senator.

One of my favorite scams is to act like I'm going to help people get out of debt, when all I really do is consolidate their loans and add my name to their list of payments. Like this guy does.

Remember, when running a scam, don't do it over the phone and try to avoid scamming over state lines. You don't want the Feds on your tail. Ha, who am I kidding? They're bumbling and incompetent.

My advice? Get something that vaguely resembles a human face and claim that it's Jesus or Mary, then charge people to see it. The more poor, desolate Catholics that live near you, the better the chance of making money.