Things to do when you're unemployed

Actually Apply for Jobs

The following is a list of websites that have so far failed to end my unemployment, despite their promises to help my job search: Monster, Career Builder, Hot Jobs, Craig's List, countless company websites, temp agencies, and industry-specific sites.

Why have they failed? Because these web sites don't actually do anything.You post a resume or two so employers could theoretically see it and call you. You search for jobs and submit your own resume, cover letter, social security number, pet's name, why you're good for this job, mother's maiden name, desired income, what you ate for breakfast, and education level. The server then throws all that crap in a pile and promises you that someone is looking at your info. They're not. They're too busy making Super Bowl ads to get anyone a job.

It's estimated that ninety (90) percent of jobs are filled before they're advertised. In other words, you've got to know someone, get extremely lucky, become a corporation/HR representative stalker, or some combination of the above to get a decent job. Especially in this job market, which, as you might have heard, is down. The resume that you had to reformat ten times to copy and paste into Career Builder, only to have the site crash and make you start over again? Yeah, that sits on the server to never be looked at.

It should also be noted that, since signing up for these websites, I get e-mails from the likes of retirementjobs.com, which is great because I think I'm living my retirement now. I'll have to work when I'm 80.

Monster and Career Builder also asked me for the names and categories of positions that I want. So I filled in things like "finance" and "business analyst." I get job recommendations as a result, for jobs like "truck driver" and "administrative assistant." If I were to click on these jobs, I would find that they filled a month ago. And that I would need a type-B driver's license or something like that.

The biggest reason that I am jobless is that I will not stoop to a low level to get my job. For instance, many people who claim to know about these things recommend getting an informational interview. Put simply, that's calling some higher-up at a company on the pretense that you're looking for a contact and curious about the industry in general. You're not. You're interested in working for the guy, but you can't come out and say it. You try to ask good questions and come across as competent and stick around his office until he offers you a job to make you leave. Or, as put in my handy Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit by Louis Beckwith:

2. for the experienced person, a real pain in the ass, perhaps committed to because the SVP of sales' daughter wants to get into publicity, or the experienced professional has a minute belief of karma and thinks it's the "right" thing to do (and frankly, could use the ego boost of someone thinking their job is really awesome)--either way, a total time-suck that gets rescheduled five times because it's off the radar 3. for neophytes, a request for a job, even though they often show up ridiculously unprepared and with completely misinformed ideas about the industry being discussed; will often exude the aura of "so when are you going to give me/help me get a job?"

 

Sometimes I feel like I am in The Grapes of Wrath (a book I haven't actually read): A guy from the Dustbowl moves to California and seeking work during economic hard times. I hope Henry Fonda plays me in the film version. And they add in some more interesting plot developments, like a sexy sidekick, or have me living above a strip club or something like that.