The swirling vortex of suck

Sometimes I wonder why I don't like watching golf more than I do. Today is not one of those days.

I spent most of the afternoon watching the final round of the Masters with my dad. Apparently this is being considered one of the most riveting Masters* in years. I saw three fat guys engage in a competition of whoever sucks less, gets the green jacket**.

*How do the people running The Masters use the name of their tournament in a sentence? Is it one of the most riveting The Masters in years?

**My dad is colorblind. I could probably convince him that the green jacket is actually brown, and the name is based on doing well on the greens in Augusta. And that Greenland is actually green.

Let's recap: Kenny Perry, the fat 48-year-old, had a two stroke lead with two holes to play. He bogeyed both of them, leading to a manage-a-trois repeat of the 18th hole with two other somewhat rotund golfers, Angel Cabrera and Chad Campbell. Cabrera survived the worst tee shot of the day when neither Perry nor Campbell could make a fucking shot. Campbell bowed out after that hole because he can't putt, either.

How on earth these guys beat Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson in this tournament is beyond me. I take that back. I know how Phil lost. He got too cute on a par-3 and knocked his ball into the water, taking a double bogey.

Perry then found a way to make another bogey on the next hole, a one-on-one rematch of the tenth. Cabrera didn't win so much as everyone else lost.

I could've spent the day watching the Royals' dramatic comeback win over the Yankees, but my dad likes golf and I was in his living room. The good news is that the Royals will still be there tomorrow, and I'll be at the game. So unless they show golf on that giant fucking big screen in center field, I think I'm safe from the swirling vortex of suck brought upon us by Kenny Perry and Augusta, Georgia.