Things to do when you're unemployed

Live out your frustrations vicariously through the world around you

Kids today. With their rap music and their iPods and their Twittering. They're what's wrong with America. They're why I can't get work.

What? The Chiefs took who with their first pick? Those bastards. I could be a better general manager than the prick they hired. And I look better in a tee shirt.

Where was I? Oh, right, what's wrong with the world today. I blame those lousy Democrats/Republicans/Socialists/Whigs*. Dragging the economy down and...

*Ed. Note: Pick whichever you like the least.

Shit. Did you see the cover of People? Sean Penn and Princess Buttercup are getting separated. If two people like that can't make it in this crazy world, what chance is there for me? Maybe things would've been better if he weren't such a Commie Pinko Leftist and she'd made a relevant movie in the past fifteen years.

Dammit! The Royals just put in Kyle Farnsworth. Maybe if that tool had one more tribal arm tattoo he'd be a better pitcher. Shit, I could earn his $4.5 million per year if all I had to do was suck and lose a game every week. Hell, I'd do it for half. And I wouldn't be a complete tool while doing so.

Wait, sorry, I lost my train of thought. Oh, right. Those dirty Jews gave us the swine flu as punishment for eating pork. I can't help it! Bacon is delicious. I mean, what's next? Hind-quarters-of-the-cow colds? Mutated genes caused by putting cheese on my chicken breasts?

Aw, fuck it. There's baseball on. That ought to pass the time until the next apocalypse.