Read old novels that are no longer relevant until they get remade into new movies.
You know, they just don’t make villains like they used to. There just aren’t any Nazi war criminals running around or bald billionaires with underground lairs. I just can’t bring the hate for a faceless terrorist living in a cave in some –stan country I’ll never visit. I suppose it’s because I cannot get into his head the same way I can a man who lives on an island near Jamaica and makes his evil fortune mass producing guano.
Movies are like that too. The best Bond movie of my lifetime is probably GoldenEye, in which the action takes place in post-Soviet 1995 but the opening scene takes place nine years earlier. What would Ian Fleming write about if he were still alive?* Is an underground lair really that special in a world where everyone lives in underground lairs? Could he come up with a master criminal better than Osama bin Laden?**
*Other than a sequel to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang entitled Chitty Chitty Gang Bang.
**Seriously, bin Laden is like a Bond villain come to life. He’s physically interesting (distinct features, freakishly tall), has apparently limitless sources, he’s deranged, and yet somehow brilliant at what he does. The more Bond novels you read, the more he fits along with Blofeld, Scaramonga, and Dr. No.
Where was I? I was on a role there…oh, right. Hollywood, please stop ruining the stuff I read. You’ve already ruined or made valiant attempts to ruin The Manchurian Candidate (twice, thank you very much Frank Sinatra), The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Starship Troopers, and God knows how many others I won’t get to read before your shit comes out. Another Lolita remake? Great! Never mind that the plot doesn’t matter so much as the wordplay. It could get you a mint! What’s that? You found the original The Big Sleep adaptation too confusing? That’s ok, just cast Tom Cruise in Bogie’s part and start shooting.
In return, you can have all the James Bond novels, however often you can churn out remakes. That shit is too pulpy not to be made into movies. And I’ll go see every one of them.
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