The swirling vortex of suck

Sometimes I wonder why I don't like watching golf more than I do. Today is not one of those days.

I spent most of the afternoon watching the final round of the Masters with my dad. Apparently this is being considered one of the most riveting Masters* in years. I saw three fat guys engage in a competition of whoever sucks less, gets the green jacket**.

*How do the people running The Masters use the name of their tournament in a sentence? Is it one of the most riveting The Masters in years?

**My dad is colorblind. I could probably convince him that the green jacket is actually brown, and the name is based on doing well on the greens in Augusta. And that Greenland is actually green.

Let's recap: Kenny Perry, the fat 48-year-old, had a two stroke lead with two holes to play. He bogeyed both of them, leading to a manage-a-trois repeat of the 18th hole with two other somewhat rotund golfers, Angel Cabrera and Chad Campbell. Cabrera survived the worst tee shot of the day when neither Perry nor Campbell could make a fucking shot. Campbell bowed out after that hole because he can't putt, either.

How on earth these guys beat Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson in this tournament is beyond me. I take that back. I know how Phil lost. He got too cute on a par-3 and knocked his ball into the water, taking a double bogey.

Perry then found a way to make another bogey on the next hole, a one-on-one rematch of the tenth. Cabrera didn't win so much as everyone else lost.

I could've spent the day watching the Royals' dramatic comeback win over the Yankees, but my dad likes golf and I was in his living room. The good news is that the Royals will still be there tomorrow, and I'll be at the game. So unless they show golf on that giant fucking big screen in center field, I think I'm safe from the swirling vortex of suck brought upon us by Kenny Perry and Augusta, Georgia.

Baseball season is upon us

This is the time of year when my girlfriend starts complaining to her friends about being a baseball widow.* That's right, it's Opening Weekend. Games start on Sunday with the Dodgers coming to San Francisco to visit BALCO. Err, I mean, play a game against the Giants. 

*I kid. She tells her friends I'm six-foot-four and built like an Adonis. And that I'm employed.

It's not baseball season without every hack writer trying to predict what's what will happen. So I'll take a crack at it. Here are my predictions, starting with the standings. I am doing this off-the-cuff. And I will deny having written this in October, unless I am right, in which case I will reprint this here every day for a month.

NL East

1. Mets
2. Fish
3. Phillies
4. Braves
5. Nationals

NL Central

1. Cubs
2. Cardinals
3. Socialist Commie Pinko Reds
4. Brewers
5. Pirates
6. Astros

NL West

1. Dodgers
2. Diamondbacks
3. Giants
4. Rockies
5. Padres

Wild Card: Marlins

MVP: Hanley Ramirez, SS, Marlins

Cy Young: Johan Santana, Mets

AL East

1. Red Sox
2. (Formerly the Devil) Rays
3. Axis of Evil
4. Blue Jays
5. Orioles

AL Central

1. Native Americans
2. Royals
3. Twins
4. White Sox
5. Tigers

AL West

1. Athletics
2. Angels
3. Mariners
4. Rangers

Wild Card: Rays

MVP: Grady Sizemore, CF, Tribal Nations

Cy Young: CC Sabathia, Evil Doers

 

Other Predictions:

• The worst team in the American League could finish third if placed in any National League division.
• A promising Twins team will be derailed by injuries and lack of depth. It's already starting, with star catcher Joe Mauer and solid pitcher Scott Baker starting the season on the Disabled List.
• Detroit will spend June and July trying (and failing) to hold a fire sale.
• In a fit of rage over his team's third-place performance, Hal Steinbrenner will attempt to burn down the new Yankee Stadium. He will later blame the entire season on a worldwide conspiracy to keep the Yankees down. He will be applauded for being more sane than his father was at his age.
• The Marlins will go to the playoffs, but no one in Miami will realize they have a baseball team.

Where have you gone, Sidd Finch?

Do you think Sports Illustrated would have the stones to pull a fast one on its readers anymore?

For the uninformed, on April 1st, 1985, SI published an article by George Plimpton about a skinny, hiking-boot wearing, meditating kid who threw 153-mph fastballs. He called himself Sidd, after Siddhartha. If you haven't read it, the link is above.

I don't think there is any way that today's version of SI would do that. It's too afraid, too risk-averse, and too afraid to print anything longer than three pages. Between the Internet, ESPN, writers moving around, and SI's being owned by a giant conglomerate that includes ESPN, ABC, Disney, and CNN, the magazine has changed. It acts like a website in print form.

What SI won't seem to realize is that I already have websites. I need SI to use its resources to give me what I don't already have. Really good writing, long form articles, the story behind the story. I don't need a half a column to profile Twins shortstop Nick Punto, written by a nameless "staff writer." I need eight pages profiling Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols, written by Joe Posnanski, a great article written in a style that we see increasingly less of.

The Great Equalizer

One of my favorite things about baseball is that it's a sport that anyone can play, and play well. You could have the fat guy who doesn't run well, the short guy who was always picked last in basketball, or the world class athlete and all three of them could be equally good at baseball.

Maybe the fat guy has a powerful swing and can pick it at first base, the short guy has quick hands to turn the double play, and the world class athlete can't swing the bat at all but makes up for it by playing a big center field.

Of course, as Royals fans will point out, the world class athlete who can really run sometimes sucks. Just ask Joey Gathright. The guy can run as fast as anyone in the league, jumps over cars just for shits and grins, and manages to hit like my mother. When she's drunk. And holding a golf club. But hey, he's really fast! Enjoy your new center fielder, Cubs fans.

With this in mind, I will attempt to construct a team full of "normal" guys scattered throughout today's major leaguers. The players who are not world class athletes. They're just like you and me, fat guys and short guys and lanky, unathletic guys who managed to find ways to contribute to a major league club.

 

Catcher: Sal Fasano, Rockies. Nothing's cooler than his handlebar moustache. He came up in Kansas City more than a decade ago as a hot prospect, but the Royals quickly realized he was too fat and didn't do enough steroids, so they cast him aside. I'm amazed he's still got a Major League job, but he's a professional.

 

First Base: Dmitri Young, Nationals

Another fat guy! "Da Meat Hook" Young is in some ways a typical Major Leaguer -- he sucks unless it's his contract year. But he's also a genial guy and considered a leader in the clubhouse (unlike his brother.) But he sure doesn't look like a Major Leaguer.

Second Base: Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox

I can't tell if he's the defending MVP or part of the cast of Willow.

Third Base: Melvin Mora, Orioles

He's the father of quintuplets and he still has time to be vastly overpaid. He's living the dream! He "wrote" a chapter in 50 Things Every Guy Should Know How to Do about caring for children.

Shortstop: David Eckstein, Padres

The little guy who doesn't hit, can't throw, and misleads us by having a "stein" name but being a devout Christian is also a World Series MVP.

Outfielders: Matt Stairs, Phillies

Can you believe this portly Canadian slugger used to be a shortstop in the Expos organization?

Coco Crisp, Royals

The guy with the best name in the history of mankind is actually the son of a boxer. He doesn't really belong on this list, but he's here so I can point out that he throws like a sissy.

Brian Giles, Padres

Generously listed at 5'10", we know he's really about half a foot shorter. Yet Giles has had a great career and remains productive into his late 30s, unlike his steroid-abusing brother Marcus.

Pitchers: Jamie Moyer, Phillies

He's 46 years old, throws about 80 miles per hour, and wins World Series games.

Tim Wakefield, Red Sox

Kids, if you can learn to throw a knuckleball, you can be a millionaire "athlete" too.

Roy Oswalt, Astros

Another guy who is generously listed as 6'0", 170 lbs, Oswalt is a self-taught pitcher and a hick who made his owner buy him a bulldozer. Seriously. And he likes huntin' and fishin' and wrastlin'. Why can't the Royals ever find players like him in the 23rd round?

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Today we all pretend we're a people that few of us actually are as an excuse to get drunk. Funny how the Irish are stereotyped to be drunks to such a degree, and funnier still that every Irish person I've ever met is proud of this aspect of his/her heritage. At least outwardly. I'm sure they're crying on the inside. Which leads to more drinking. Ah, the circle of life.

 

Little-known fact: most Irish are girl-drink drunks. That would explain the Bailey's.

So have an Irish Car Bomb for me, then sober up with an Irish coffee and take a cab home.

Things to do when you're unemployed

Run a scam!

The other day, my friend decided to help me make a little money. He sent me the link to a conference to teach me to work at home.

For those of you who don't click the link, it sends you to the "Third annual Nigerian EMail (sic) Conference," where the slogan is "Write better emails. Make more moneys." I love the testimonial at the bottom.

"I AM FIRMLY CONVINCED THAT USING UPPERCASE LETTERS MAKES MY WRITING MORE EFFECTIVE." - Mr. Ibrahim Ahmed

Wow! For only $995 I could've attended that conference! Think of all the money I could have made! Instead, I'll have to figure out my own money-making opportunity.

Of course, I could run a Ponzi scheme, but that's so cliche now. I couldn't possibly equal what Madoff and Stanford did. The banks have a good scheme going now. Their plan is to suck at their jobs, get paid a lot, drive the company to bankruptcy, get government assistance, and pay themselves a lot more. The only similar job I can think of is U.S. senator.

One of my favorite scams is to act like I'm going to help people get out of debt, when all I really do is consolidate their loans and add my name to their list of payments. Like this guy does.

Remember, when running a scam, don't do it over the phone and try to avoid scamming over state lines. You don't want the Feds on your tail. Ha, who am I kidding? They're bumbling and incompetent.

My advice? Get something that vaguely resembles a human face and claim that it's Jesus or Mary, then charge people to see it. The more poor, desolate Catholics that live near you, the better the chance of making money.

Things to do when you're unemployed

Actually Apply for Jobs

The following is a list of websites that have so far failed to end my unemployment, despite their promises to help my job search: Monster, Career Builder, Hot Jobs, Craig's List, countless company websites, temp agencies, and industry-specific sites.

Why have they failed? Because these web sites don't actually do anything.You post a resume or two so employers could theoretically see it and call you. You search for jobs and submit your own resume, cover letter, social security number, pet's name, why you're good for this job, mother's maiden name, desired income, what you ate for breakfast, and education level. The server then throws all that crap in a pile and promises you that someone is looking at your info. They're not. They're too busy making Super Bowl ads to get anyone a job.

It's estimated that ninety (90) percent of jobs are filled before they're advertised. In other words, you've got to know someone, get extremely lucky, become a corporation/HR representative stalker, or some combination of the above to get a decent job. Especially in this job market, which, as you might have heard, is down. The resume that you had to reformat ten times to copy and paste into Career Builder, only to have the site crash and make you start over again? Yeah, that sits on the server to never be looked at.

It should also be noted that, since signing up for these websites, I get e-mails from the likes of retirementjobs.com, which is great because I think I'm living my retirement now. I'll have to work when I'm 80.

Monster and Career Builder also asked me for the names and categories of positions that I want. So I filled in things like "finance" and "business analyst." I get job recommendations as a result, for jobs like "truck driver" and "administrative assistant." If I were to click on these jobs, I would find that they filled a month ago. And that I would need a type-B driver's license or something like that.

The biggest reason that I am jobless is that I will not stoop to a low level to get my job. For instance, many people who claim to know about these things recommend getting an informational interview. Put simply, that's calling some higher-up at a company on the pretense that you're looking for a contact and curious about the industry in general. You're not. You're interested in working for the guy, but you can't come out and say it. You try to ask good questions and come across as competent and stick around his office until he offers you a job to make you leave. Or, as put in my handy Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit by Louis Beckwith:

2. for the experienced person, a real pain in the ass, perhaps committed to because the SVP of sales' daughter wants to get into publicity, or the experienced professional has a minute belief of karma and thinks it's the "right" thing to do (and frankly, could use the ego boost of someone thinking their job is really awesome)--either way, a total time-suck that gets rescheduled five times because it's off the radar 3. for neophytes, a request for a job, even though they often show up ridiculously unprepared and with completely misinformed ideas about the industry being discussed; will often exude the aura of "so when are you going to give me/help me get a job?"

 

Sometimes I feel like I am in The Grapes of Wrath (a book I haven't actually read): A guy from the Dustbowl moves to California and seeking work during economic hard times. I hope Henry Fonda plays me in the film version. And they add in some more interesting plot developments, like a sexy sidekick, or have me living above a strip club or something like that.