The last word on Christmas before corporate sponsors make you panic about Valentine’s Day

First off, let me apologize to both of my readers for the blog going dark for much of the past several weeks. I was busy plotting to overthrow the government moving and I am on a stolen borrowed stolen computer.

It’s probably for the better that I haven’t written much recently, anyway, because most of you would probably assume that I am the Grinch.

I’m not the Grinch. Really. I’m cool with Christmas. I do have my problems with the holiday season in modern America, however. That’s what I plan to address here.

First off, Chanukah is not Christmas, no matter how much Corporate America and your local pastor try to convince you that it is. Chanukah advent calendars (pictured below) are just wrong. So are Chanukah bushes and outdoor Chanukah lights to decorate my house with.

I appreciate those who do not want me to feel left out. Wish me a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday, give me a gift if you want, and enjoy the season. But if you really want to make me happy, you’ll realize that Chanukah is a small, trivial holiday in Judaism. Passover, Purim, Rosh HaShanah, Yom Kippur, and Sukkot are all more significant and yet for some reason Chanukah is the only one that gets any attention in this country.

Why is this? Because  people, companies, and the government want to make a big deal out of Christmas without coming across as insensitive. Because Corporate America wants to sell stuff to Jews too. Because my Christian aunt wants to buy me things too.

There is no right solution. Even if we tried to move into our own country, our neighbors would lob missiles at us. So, I have two options: I can play along and let Chanukah morph into Christmas-lite or I can become disenfranchised. Those of you who know me already know my response. At this point, I might as well become disenfranchised about one more thing in life.

Or I can take option three: open a store selling shitty Chanukah trinkets to people like my Christian aunt. I might as well make a buck.

On Marketable Skills

Most industries are feeling the wrath of the current economic situation. Chrysler has decided to stop production of cars for a month, etc.

One of the reasons I am currently unemployed is that the finance portion of my MBA doesn’t have the resonance it would have two years ago. Wall Street has laid off seven percent of its workforce in the past two years – that means more finance people competing for fewer jobs.

Even the baseball labor market has suffered some from the economic downturn. That said, I wish I had learned to hit a curveball. Mark Teixeira’s new contract with the Yankees, 8 years at an average annual salary of $22.5 million, sounds nice. He’s never finished above seventh in the MVP voting, but Tex has already earned approximately $46 million for his services, including an unprecedented $10 million signing bonus out of college. He didn’t even graduate and got that kind of money. I have two degrees.

Right now, the ability to hit a curveball is much more valuable to the open market than the ability to compare the values of two similar stocks or the ability to write rambling blog posts to no one in particular.

In high school, I was one of the better players on a less-than-mediocre little high school team that played shitty competition on a non-regular basis. My biggest weakness, one that none of my opponents ever discovered, was that I couldn’t hit a curveball to save my life. If a pitcher could get a curveball within ten feet of the plate, I was screwed. He could throw one over the plate and I’d bail. He could throw one two feet outside and I’d flail at it helplessly. Thank God no pitcher bothered to throw me three straight curveballs or I’d have dug myself into the ground like a corkscrew. Instead, I could hit the fastball that came next.

My coach figured out my weakness, though. The last practice of the year we had a homerun derby on the softball field. We were pathetic. Only two of us managed to hit homeruns. I hit one of them. My coach, perhaps sensing my cockiness, unleashed a series of junkballs like none I’d ever seen before. It was like I was hitting against Gaylord Perry. And I hacked and chopped and missed everything. From the outfield, where my teammates watched, I’m sure they didn’t understand. I was a good batting practice hitter.

The point is I was never meant to be a baseball player. I couldn’t hit a breaking ball. Mark Teixeira was already being scouted when he was that age. He’s guaranteed to have made more than $200 million before he turns 40.

In our current economy, it makes more sense to have good hand-eye coordination than to be good at numbers and business and whatnot. Of course, maybe this is because the finance world has found a way to become more corrupt than the baseball world. I never saw that coming.

Oh well. At least I’m not a Yankee.

Even Santa is tired of Christmas carols

There’s an old joke that Jewish mothers tell each other: Why did God create Goyim (Gentiles)? Someone has to pay retail.

That joke has half of the truth embedded in it. The real reason Jews don’t pay retail is because, for two months every year, every retail store in the country blares Christmas carols incessantly.

I swear to God that if I have to listen to one more fucking “rock” rendition of “Jingle Bells” I’m going to burn down the nearest Gap. Seriously, working there has got to be worse than working at the post office. I know, nothing sells khakis like a jazz-infused version of “Silent Night,” but do you have to play it so loud that I can’t hear the salesman try to push a store credit card on me?

Pinstripes have a slimming effect

As noted earlier, the Yankees signed one Carsten Charles Sabathia, a pitcher pushing 300 lbs, to a record contract earlier this week. There’s something about pinstripes that attracts fat people.

To prove my point, I will present a sample of famously fat Yankees.

Cecil Fielder, 1996-1997

The former homerun champ played parts of two mediocre seasons with the Bombers. He struck out 133 times in 561 at-bats. He also ate the clubhouse cat.*

*May not be true.

David Wells, 1997-98 and 2002-03

Boomer pitched for the bad guys twice, but then again he seemingly played in a different uniform every year. Rumors circulated that he needed to return to the East Coast every few years to stock up on Dunkin Donuts.

Steve Balboni, 1981-83 and 1989-90

Balboni has a special place in the hearts of Royals fans. He led the league with 36 homeruns in the World Series year of 1985, back when it was possible to lead the league with 36 homeruns. Sadly, this is still the Royals’ team record.* He was also fat.

*Nobody led the league in homeruns and won the World Series in the same year again until Manny Ramirez with the Red Sox in 2004. Ryan Howard did it again this year. 

Joba Chamberlain, 2007-present

That guy looks like he sweats when he eats. Yankees fans have high hopes for him, but they’d better get a heart monitor in the dugout if they want to see him winning games in 2012.

Sidney Ponson, 2006 and 2008

I’m growing tired of fat jokes, so instead I will mention that Sir Sidney Ponson of Aruba (yes, he’s been knighted in his native land) once punched out a judge on a beach. Classy. Oh yeah, he’s also fat.

Babe Ruth, 1920-1934

He was a great baseball player, but man he was a fat fucker. Especially in his later years when he let himself go. There are stories of him eating hot dogs between innings. What, he couldn’t wait until after the game to gorge his fat face? You know, they didn’t have Gatorade back then, so Ruth would load up on milkshakes while in the dugout.* The guy had 714 homeruns and even more coronaries.

*I cannot find corroborating sources on this.

There is no truth to the rumor that the Yankees signed John Candy to a secret contract the day before he died. Everyone knows Candy couldn’t hit a curveball.

Things to do when you’re unemployed, part six: Drift

 

VINCENT: So if you're quitting the life, what'll you do?

JULES: That's what I've been sitting here contemplating. First, I'm gonna deliver this case to Marsellus. Then, basically, I'm gonna walk the earth.

VINCENT: What do you mean, walk the earth?

JULES: You know, like Caine in Kung Fu. Just walk from town to town, meet people, get in adventures.

VINCENT: How long do you intend to walk the earth?

JULES: Until God puts me where he want me to be.

VINCENT: What if he never does? JULES: If it takes forever, I'll wait forever. VINCENT: So you decided to be a bum?

When I was in college, I knew a hippie. I mean, not a real hippie. Those mostly died out in the ‘60s. That or they moved to a commune in Oregon or an ice cream factory in Vermont. But this guy wore tie dye, had long hair, and smoked a lot of weed. After he graduated, he essentially became a drifter. I know this because he showed up at my apartment and crashed on my couch for a month. At least he wasn’t a smelly hippie – he spent an hour every day in the shower. He also carried Super Bouncy Balls to hand out to people he met in the street. Don’t ask.

While I consider my lifestyle choices, I never planned on living like this hippie. That said, it’s not a bad lifestyle. I need to learn some hobo signs.

That and I need to learn how to make a hobo pack. I never understood how they got all their stuff into a sack on a stick.

CC Signs in the Bronx

 

Man, that’s a lot of cheeseburgers.

 

 

Included in his deal:

• 7 years at $23M per season ($161M total)
• An opt-out clause after three years
• The Fourth of July off in order to compete with Joba Chamberlain at the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship

The Long Awaited Royals Pitching Post

I told you I’d get around to it, maybe, eventually. Once again, Yankees fans can quietly leave and go fuck themselves.

The winter meetings are going on right now in Las Vegas. This is when all the baseball executives get together in a big expensive casino and talk shop, something they could’ve done in a convention center in Milwaukee for less money but felt they needed to do in a place where they can have all-you-can-eat shrimp cocktail at 4 in the morning. Because of the winter meetings, everything I write may become obsolete by the time I publish it.

The Good

The Royals are set at the top of the rotation for the time being. Zack Greinke is good and on the verge of great. Gil(ga) Meche is a workhorse and a great #2. There’s talk of trading Greinke, which I think would be crazy, unless the other team sent back Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and three Waite Hoytes to be named later.

The back end of the bullpen, anchored by Joakim “The Mexicutioner” Soria, is one of the best in baseball. Ron Mahay was a good late innings guy last year. Also, the Royals have no shortage of candidates for bullpen spots, even after trading two of their better relief pitchers this offseason. Jimmy Gobble, Devon Lowery, Neal Musser, Jose Pimentel, Carlos Rosa, Robinson Tejada, and others will compete for five spots this spring.

The Bad

The Royals don’t have great depth or reliability in the rest of the rotation. Right now, Brian Bannister is the #3 pitcher despite coming off a terrible season with a 5.76 ERA. Luke Hochevar struggles with his command and gives up too many homeruns, but is young enough and has good enough “stuff” to merit a chance in the #4 spot. Hiram Kyle Davies is the #5 right now. We’re not sure what we have in Davies; he finished last year strong but at times looks lost. After that, there are no great candidates for the rotation – mostly just minor leaguers who would be rushed into Major League starting roles.

The Ugly

How exactly will the bullpen be used? Last year, lefty Jimmy Gobble struggled to a 8.81(!) ERA in 31+ innings (courtesy baseball-reference.com). That’s a product of his misuse. Righties crushed him to a tune of .382/.517/.676 (AVG/on-base/slugging). Lefties struggled to a .200/.246/.323 line. In other words, all right-handed hitters were Barry Bonds in 2001, all left-handed hitters were Tony Pena, Jr. Given that, Gobble should never pitch to a right-handed batter. However, last year Gobble saw 89 righties and only 69 lefties. No wonder his ERA was 8.81. Particularly, if Gobble ever pitches to White Sox 1B Paul Konerko again, manager Trey Hillman should immediately be fired. Or shot. Gobble has squared off against Konerko nine times. Konerko has two walks, a single, and four homeruns in those nine plate appearances. That’s an insane line of .883/.889/2.833. This included an extra-innings game-winner this past season.

The Royals need to come up with a right-handed set-up man. Maybe that guy is Robinson Tejada, the former Rangers starter who struggled but has never been given a fair chance in relief. The team has ample left-handed candidates, notably Gobble, Mahay, and Musser. They need more righties to use so they never get put in a situation where Gobble faces a right-handed batter. Gobble is a microcosm of the difference between a good game manager and a bad one. Use him correctly, and he is a valuable asset. Use him incorrectly, and he puts up an 8.81 ERA.

 

Update: Courtesy mlbtraderumors.com

This afternoon we have word from a source out in the Dominican Republic, where free agent pitcher Runelvys Hernandez is pitching.  The Orioles are one of several teams to inquire on Hernandez, who is apparently reaching the mid-90s with his heater.  Contrary to previous reports, Hernandez was not suspended.

Bring back Fat Elvis!