Thursday, April 30, 2009

They call him "Bitch Tits"

There is a scene at the end of Johnny Dangerously* where the titular character, former mobster and current pet store owner Johnny tells a boy not to go into crime, because crime doesn't pay. He then climbs into one of a procession of stretch limos, sits next to his beautiful wife, and says something like, "well, maybe it pays a little."

*Did you know your last name's an adverb?

I bring this up because Selena Roberts' book on Alex Rodriguez apparently accuses A-Rod of using steroids since high school. Also, there are reports that he used much longer than he previously admitted to, including time with the Yankees.

All of this was meant to turn this:

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into this:

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I would like to point the money Alex Rodriguez is owed by the Yankees, courtesy of Cot's.

Alex Rodriguez 3b
10 years/$275M (2008-17)

  • 10 years/$275M (2008-17)
    • re-signed by Yankees as a free agent 12/13/07
    • $10M signing bonus ($2M paid upon approval, $1M paid each Jan. 15, 2009-2013, $3M paid Jan. 15, 2014)
    • 08:$27M, 09:$32M, 10:$32M, 11:$31M, 12:$29M, 13:$28M, 14:$25M, 15:$21M, 16:$20M, 17:$20M
    • $30M marketing agreement based on home run milestones ($6M each for reaching 660, 714, 755 and tying and breaking major league HR record)
    • no-trade protection
    • perks: may purchase 4 best available season tickets for 2008, 4 Legends Suite or comparable season tickets for 2009-17
    • Texas obligated to fund $9M as part of deferred compensation provision in previous contract (to be paid with interest in $3M increments in 2008, 2009 & 2010)

 

That's right. Including this season, the Yankees owe A-Rod $258 million, with more if he hits home run milestones.

But crime doesn't pay.

Also, the 2005 Yankees gave A-Rod a nickname: Bitch Tits. Which marks the first time I've used the term "Bitch Tits" since my first post.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Things to do when you're unemployed

Live out your frustrations vicariously through the world around you

Kids today. With their rap music and their iPods and their Twittering. They're what's wrong with America. They're why I can't get work.

What? The Chiefs took who with their first pick? Those bastards. I could be a better general manager than the prick they hired. And I look better in a tee shirt.

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Where was I? Oh, right, what's wrong with the world today. I blame those lousy Democrats/Republicans/Socialists/Whigs*. Dragging the economy down and...

*Ed. Note: Pick whichever you like the least.

Shit. Did you see the cover of People? Sean Penn and Princess Buttercup are getting separated. If two people like that can't make it in this crazy world, what chance is there for me? Maybe things would've been better if he weren't such a Commie Pinko Leftist and she'd made a relevant movie in the past fifteen years.

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Dammit! The Royals just put in Kyle Farnsworth. Maybe if that tool had one more tribal arm tattoo he'd be a better pitcher. Shit, I could earn his $4.5 million per year if all I had to do was suck and lose a game every week. Hell, I'd do it for half. And I wouldn't be a complete tool while doing so.

Wait, sorry, I lost my train of thought. Oh, right. Those dirty Jews gave us the swine flu as punishment for eating pork. I can't help it! Bacon is delicious. I mean, what's next? Hind-quarters-of-the-cow colds? Mutated genes caused by putting cheese on my chicken breasts?

Aw, fuck it. There's baseball on. That ought to pass the time until the next apocalypse.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Failed Business Models: Satellite Radio

A share of Sirius XM is now selling for $0.41. You could buy a round lot for $41. I would advise against that.

Background: I got an XM receiver about two years ago from Circuit City (remember them?). Let me first tell you the things it did well: gave me more options of radio stations to flip through while driving, with fewer commercials.

Ok, now that I've listed the good things, I can get to the meat of this post. XM advertised "commercial-free music," but what they didn't mention is that only about half of its channels were commercial-free. About half of those were just an iPod in the XM studios set to "shuffle" with a large playlist, whereas half had actual DJs who played the same stuff you get on local radio. That's fine, there were some music channels I liked that had more variety than I heard in Kansas City.

The other half the channels had commercials. Some have lots of commercials, like CNN Radio, which is really just a feed from CNN's TV without the images.

The quality of sound isn't as good as expected, either, mostly because the XM receiver does not hook directly up to my speakers. I had to buy and adaptor that sent out the XM signal into radio waves that my car antenna picked up. This diluted sound quality and also forced me to occasionally change the FM frequency depending on the frequency of local radio stations. Some busy metropolitan areas that I drove through have few empty frequencies, meaning XM becomes more or less useless. Combine that with XM's inability to work when surrounded by tall buildings or, bizarrely, on highway on-ramps, and it's a wonder they sell any radios to people in cities.

The biggest selling point for XM over Sirius (back when they were separate companies) was the promise of MLB baseball broadcasts. All of them. I don't spend three hours at a time in my car, but the receiver I bought came with a home stereo. I could take the receiver out of the cradle in my car and plug it into the stereo for my listening pleasure. After the merger with Sirius, however, my home receiver no longer works. It's now just a shitty CD player that uses a lot of power and has extra wires. It sits in my closet for months at a time.

Of course, the stereo was shoddily made anyway. The part where the XM receiver plugs in has too many moving parts. It resembles more of the original spring-loaded cartridge system of the NES, rather than the top-mounted simplicity of the Super NES.

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Not only was the stereo shoddily made, but so was the XM receiver and the dock mounted in my car. The dock rattles noisily whenever I drive at speeds over 50 miles per hour, which I do on the highway, through school zones, in parking lots, and after too many drinks*. The receiver lost its main "do everything" button after being taken back and forth from my car to my shitty stereo too often, so now I can't do simple things like change the FM frequency.

*Parts of this statement may not be true. There is too much traffic to hit 50 on the highway since I moved to California, for instance. 

The Sirius merger was supposed to come with better stations. Instead, it changed the stations all just a little bit, to something often less tolerable. For instance, my favorite '90s rock station changed to something that plays Creed. That's not cool. All the good stuff Sirius had that XM didn't, like football and Howard Stern, is part of a pricier premium package. Also, they have now started to charge for subscribers to listen to streaming Internet feeds, something that used to be free. So, given that my shitty stereo no longer works, I can't listen to baseball unless I'm in my car unless I decide to pony up more cash.

I paid $300 all told for the XM receiver and car installation. I have to view that as a sunk cost. XM is no longer worth the monthly rate. And if Sirius XM is losing the customers it already has, what does that say for its future as a business?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Voice

Harry Kalas died yesterday. He was the voice of the Philadelphia Phillies and of NFL Flims, among other things. I never was a Philly fan so I can't say I listened to that much of him, but through NFL films and lots of ESPN I can say that I am familiar with the man. And I'll tell you this: when I first saw the man on TV it was very disconcerting. He was the voice. He had no face. No man could possibly have a voice that perfect for radio.

It's not that he had an ugly face. Far from it. It's just that man was not created to have a voice like that. Picture the old NFL films highlight reels. That's his voice, like a god from the heavens.

It's always disconcerting to see the faces that go with the voices. I am family friends with the voice of (among many other things) movie previews, Kris Stevens*. I don't mean to make it sound like I'm close with the man, as I haven't seen him in years, but he has had a couple of Thanksgiving dinners that my mother prepared. It feels a bit weird for me to see the voice behind, "In a time where the world is near an end. In a place only acclaimed director Michael Bay can bring us...."

*Not the guy from the Geico commercials. His competitor.

Of course, Harry Kalas' ability to distance himself from his subject is part of what made him great. He was able to provide the voice, the tenor, and the feeling of the game without intruding. The action took precedence over him. As a Kansas City fan, I've spent countless hours listening to Denny Matthews on the radio. He could tell great, interesting stories about players and people he's met, but I still have no idea what Matthews' personality is like. And that's the point and part of what makes Matthews a brilliant radio announcer. He doesn't have Kalas' voice, but no one does. Matthews tells a game in the most minimalist fashion, letting the tone of his voice tell us how high the fly balls are hit and the sound of the bat how hard.

In recent years, the Royals have paired Matthews with either Ryan LeFebvre or Bob White. Neither has been quite right. LeFebvre inserts too much of his personality on the game. It seems like he reminds us every other inning who he is. White gets too excited over little things. As in, "Sizemore pops the ball up near third base. Alex Gordon is calling for it. And he MAKES THE CATCH!!!!! WOW!!!!"

There are games where Matthews takes a day off to rest his voice or for personal reasons and these games never feel the same to listen to. I can imagine how hard it will be for Philly fans for the rest of this season. Good thing they won that World Series last year. They got an extra postseason of the voice.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The swirling vortex of suck

Sometimes I wonder why I don't like watching golf more than I do. Today is not one of those days.

I spent most of the afternoon watching the final round of the Masters with my dad. Apparently this is being considered one of the most riveting Masters* in years. I saw three fat guys engage in a competition of whoever sucks less, gets the green jacket**.

*How do the people running The Masters use the name of their tournament in a sentence? Is it one of the most riveting The Masters in years?

**My dad is colorblind. I could probably convince him that the green jacket is actually brown, and the name is based on doing well on the greens in Augusta. And that Greenland is actually green.

Let's recap: Kenny Perry, the fat 48-year-old, had a two stroke lead with two holes to play. He bogeyed both of them, leading to a manage-a-trois repeat of the 18th hole with two other somewhat rotund golfers, Angel Cabrera and Chad Campbell. Cabrera survived the worst tee shot of the day when neither Perry nor Campbell could make a fucking shot. Campbell bowed out after that hole because he can't putt, either.

How on earth these guys beat Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson in this tournament is beyond me. I take that back. I know how Phil lost. He got too cute on a par-3 and knocked his ball into the water, taking a double bogey.

Perry then found a way to make another bogey on the next hole, a one-on-one rematch of the tenth. Cabrera didn't win so much as everyone else lost.

I could've spent the day watching the Royals' dramatic comeback win over the Yankees, but my dad likes golf and I was in his living room. The good news is that the Royals will still be there tomorrow, and I'll be at the game. So unless they show golf on that giant fucking big screen in center field, I think I'm safe from the swirling vortex of suck brought upon us by Kenny Perry and Augusta, Georgia.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Baseball season is upon us

This is the time of year when my girlfriend starts complaining to her friends about being a baseball widow.* That's right, it's Opening Weekend. Games start on Sunday with the Dodgers coming to San Francisco to visit BALCO. Err, I mean, play a game against the Giants. 

*I kid. She tells her friends I'm six-foot-four and built like an Adonis. And that I'm employed.

It's not baseball season without every hack writer trying to predict what's what will happen. So I'll take a crack at it. Here are my predictions, starting with the standings. I am doing this off-the-cuff. And I will deny having written this in October, unless I am right, in which case I will reprint this here every day for a month.

NL East

  1. Mets
  2. Fish
  3. Phillies
  4. Braves
  5. Nationals

NL Central

  1. Cubs
  2. Cardinals
  3. Socialist Commie Pinko Reds
  4. Brewers
  5. Pirates
  6. Astros

NL West

  1. Dodgers
  2. Diamondbacks
  3. Giants
  4. Rockies
  5. Padres

Wild Card: Marlins

MVP: Hanley Ramirez, SS, Marlins

Cy Young: Johan Santana, Mets

AL East

  1. Red Sox
  2. (Formerly the Devil) Rays
  3. Axis of Evil
  4. Blue Jays
  5. Orioles

AL Central

  1. Native Americans
  2. Royals
  3. Twins
  4. White Sox
  5. Tigers

AL West

  1. Athletics
  2. Angels
  3. Mariners
  4. Rangers

Wild Card: Rays

MVP: Grady Sizemore, CF, Tribal Nations

Cy Young: CC Sabathia, Evil Doers

 

Other Predictions:

  • The worst team in the American League could finish third if placed in any National League division.
  • A promising Twins team will be derailed by injuries and lack of depth. It's already starting, with star catcher Joe Mauer and solid pitcher Scott Baker starting the season on the Disabled List.
  • Detroit will spend June and July trying (and failing) to hold a fire sale.
  • In a fit of rage over his team's third-place performance, Hal Steinbrenner will attempt to burn down the new Yankee Stadium. He will later blame the entire season on a worldwide conspiracy to keep the Yankees down. He will be applauded for being more sane than his father was at his age.
  • The Marlins will go to the playoffs, but no one in Miami will realize they have a baseball team.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Where have you gone, Sidd Finch?

Do you think Sports Illustrated would have the stones to pull a fast one on its readers anymore?

For the uninformed, on April 1st, 1985, SI published an article by George Plimpton about a skinny, hiking-boot wearing, meditating kid who threw 153-mph fastballs. He called himself Sidd, after Siddhartha. If you haven't read it, the link is above.

I don't think there is any way that today's version of SI would do that. It's too afraid, too risk-averse, and too afraid to print anything longer than three pages. Between the Internet, ESPN, writers moving around, and SI's being owned by a giant conglomerate that includes ESPN, ABC, Disney, and CNN, the magazine has changed. It acts like a website in print form.

What SI won't seem to realize is that I already have websites. I need SI to use its resources to give me what I don't already have. Really good writing, long form articles, the story behind the story. I don't need a half a column to profile Twins shortstop Nick Punto, written by a nameless "staff writer." I need eight pages profiling Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols, written by Joe Posnanski, a great article written in a style that we see increasingly less of.