Baseball season is upon us

This is the time of year when my girlfriend starts complaining to her friends about being a baseball widow.* That's right, it's Opening Weekend. Games start on Sunday with the Dodgers coming to San Francisco to visit BALCO. Err, I mean, play a game against the Giants. 

*I kid. She tells her friends I'm six-foot-four and built like an Adonis. And that I'm employed.

It's not baseball season without every hack writer trying to predict what's what will happen. So I'll take a crack at it. Here are my predictions, starting with the standings. I am doing this off-the-cuff. And I will deny having written this in October, unless I am right, in which case I will reprint this here every day for a month.

NL East

1. Mets
2. Fish
3. Phillies
4. Braves
5. Nationals

NL Central

1. Cubs
2. Cardinals
3. Socialist Commie Pinko Reds
4. Brewers
5. Pirates
6. Astros

NL West

1. Dodgers
2. Diamondbacks
3. Giants
4. Rockies
5. Padres

Wild Card: Marlins

MVP: Hanley Ramirez, SS, Marlins

Cy Young: Johan Santana, Mets

AL East

1. Red Sox
2. (Formerly the Devil) Rays
3. Axis of Evil
4. Blue Jays
5. Orioles

AL Central

1. Native Americans
2. Royals
3. Twins
4. White Sox
5. Tigers

AL West

1. Athletics
2. Angels
3. Mariners
4. Rangers

Wild Card: Rays

MVP: Grady Sizemore, CF, Tribal Nations

Cy Young: CC Sabathia, Evil Doers

 

Other Predictions:

• The worst team in the American League could finish third if placed in any National League division.
• A promising Twins team will be derailed by injuries and lack of depth. It's already starting, with star catcher Joe Mauer and solid pitcher Scott Baker starting the season on the Disabled List.
• Detroit will spend June and July trying (and failing) to hold a fire sale.
• In a fit of rage over his team's third-place performance, Hal Steinbrenner will attempt to burn down the new Yankee Stadium. He will later blame the entire season on a worldwide conspiracy to keep the Yankees down. He will be applauded for being more sane than his father was at his age.
• The Marlins will go to the playoffs, but no one in Miami will realize they have a baseball team.