On Marketable Skills

Most industries are feeling the wrath of the current economic situation. Chrysler has decided to stop production of cars for a month, etc.

One of the reasons I am currently unemployed is that the finance portion of my MBA doesn’t have the resonance it would have two years ago. Wall Street has laid off seven percent of its workforce in the past two years – that means more finance people competing for fewer jobs.

Even the baseball labor market has suffered some from the economic downturn. That said, I wish I had learned to hit a curveball. Mark Teixeira’s new contract with the Yankees, 8 years at an average annual salary of $22.5 million, sounds nice. He’s never finished above seventh in the MVP voting, but Tex has already earned approximately $46 million for his services, including an unprecedented $10 million signing bonus out of college. He didn’t even graduate and got that kind of money. I have two degrees.

Right now, the ability to hit a curveball is much more valuable to the open market than the ability to compare the values of two similar stocks or the ability to write rambling blog posts to no one in particular.

In high school, I was one of the better players on a less-than-mediocre little high school team that played shitty competition on a non-regular basis. My biggest weakness, one that none of my opponents ever discovered, was that I couldn’t hit a curveball to save my life. If a pitcher could get a curveball within ten feet of the plate, I was screwed. He could throw one over the plate and I’d bail. He could throw one two feet outside and I’d flail at it helplessly. Thank God no pitcher bothered to throw me three straight curveballs or I’d have dug myself into the ground like a corkscrew. Instead, I could hit the fastball that came next.

My coach figured out my weakness, though. The last practice of the year we had a homerun derby on the softball field. We were pathetic. Only two of us managed to hit homeruns. I hit one of them. My coach, perhaps sensing my cockiness, unleashed a series of junkballs like none I’d ever seen before. It was like I was hitting against Gaylord Perry. And I hacked and chopped and missed everything. From the outfield, where my teammates watched, I’m sure they didn’t understand. I was a good batting practice hitter.

The point is I was never meant to be a baseball player. I couldn’t hit a breaking ball. Mark Teixeira was already being scouted when he was that age. He’s guaranteed to have made more than $200 million before he turns 40.

In our current economy, it makes more sense to have good hand-eye coordination than to be good at numbers and business and whatnot. Of course, maybe this is because the finance world has found a way to become more corrupt than the baseball world. I never saw that coming.

Oh well. At least I’m not a Yankee.

Even Santa is tired of Christmas carols

There’s an old joke that Jewish mothers tell each other: Why did God create Goyim (Gentiles)? Someone has to pay retail.

That joke has half of the truth embedded in it. The real reason Jews don’t pay retail is because, for two months every year, every retail store in the country blares Christmas carols incessantly.

I swear to God that if I have to listen to one more fucking “rock” rendition of “Jingle Bells” I’m going to burn down the nearest Gap. Seriously, working there has got to be worse than working at the post office. I know, nothing sells khakis like a jazz-infused version of “Silent Night,” but do you have to play it so loud that I can’t hear the salesman try to push a store credit card on me?

Pinstripes have a slimming effect

As noted earlier, the Yankees signed one Carsten Charles Sabathia, a pitcher pushing 300 lbs, to a record contract earlier this week. There’s something about pinstripes that attracts fat people.

To prove my point, I will present a sample of famously fat Yankees.

Cecil Fielder, 1996-1997

The former homerun champ played parts of two mediocre seasons with the Bombers. He struck out 133 times in 561 at-bats. He also ate the clubhouse cat.*

*May not be true.

David Wells, 1997-98 and 2002-03

Boomer pitched for the bad guys twice, but then again he seemingly played in a different uniform every year. Rumors circulated that he needed to return to the East Coast every few years to stock up on Dunkin Donuts.

Steve Balboni, 1981-83 and 1989-90

Balboni has a special place in the hearts of Royals fans. He led the league with 36 homeruns in the World Series year of 1985, back when it was possible to lead the league with 36 homeruns. Sadly, this is still the Royals’ team record.* He was also fat.

*Nobody led the league in homeruns and won the World Series in the same year again until Manny Ramirez with the Red Sox in 2004. Ryan Howard did it again this year. 

Joba Chamberlain, 2007-present

That guy looks like he sweats when he eats. Yankees fans have high hopes for him, but they’d better get a heart monitor in the dugout if they want to see him winning games in 2012.

Sidney Ponson, 2006 and 2008

I’m growing tired of fat jokes, so instead I will mention that Sir Sidney Ponson of Aruba (yes, he’s been knighted in his native land) once punched out a judge on a beach. Classy. Oh yeah, he’s also fat.

Babe Ruth, 1920-1934

He was a great baseball player, but man he was a fat fucker. Especially in his later years when he let himself go. There are stories of him eating hot dogs between innings. What, he couldn’t wait until after the game to gorge his fat face? You know, they didn’t have Gatorade back then, so Ruth would load up on milkshakes while in the dugout.* The guy had 714 homeruns and even more coronaries.

*I cannot find corroborating sources on this.

There is no truth to the rumor that the Yankees signed John Candy to a secret contract the day before he died. Everyone knows Candy couldn’t hit a curveball.

Things to do when you’re unemployed, part six: Drift

 

VINCENT: So if you're quitting the life, what'll you do?

JULES: That's what I've been sitting here contemplating. First, I'm gonna deliver this case to Marsellus. Then, basically, I'm gonna walk the earth.

VINCENT: What do you mean, walk the earth?

JULES: You know, like Caine in Kung Fu. Just walk from town to town, meet people, get in adventures.

VINCENT: How long do you intend to walk the earth?

JULES: Until God puts me where he want me to be.

VINCENT: What if he never does? JULES: If it takes forever, I'll wait forever. VINCENT: So you decided to be a bum?

When I was in college, I knew a hippie. I mean, not a real hippie. Those mostly died out in the ‘60s. That or they moved to a commune in Oregon or an ice cream factory in Vermont. But this guy wore tie dye, had long hair, and smoked a lot of weed. After he graduated, he essentially became a drifter. I know this because he showed up at my apartment and crashed on my couch for a month. At least he wasn’t a smelly hippie – he spent an hour every day in the shower. He also carried Super Bouncy Balls to hand out to people he met in the street. Don’t ask.

While I consider my lifestyle choices, I never planned on living like this hippie. That said, it’s not a bad lifestyle. I need to learn some hobo signs.

That and I need to learn how to make a hobo pack. I never understood how they got all their stuff into a sack on a stick.

CC Signs in the Bronx

 

Man, that’s a lot of cheeseburgers.

 

 

Included in his deal:

• 7 years at $23M per season ($161M total)
• An opt-out clause after three years
• The Fourth of July off in order to compete with Joba Chamberlain at the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship

The Long Awaited Royals Pitching Post

I told you I’d get around to it, maybe, eventually. Once again, Yankees fans can quietly leave and go fuck themselves.

The winter meetings are going on right now in Las Vegas. This is when all the baseball executives get together in a big expensive casino and talk shop, something they could’ve done in a convention center in Milwaukee for less money but felt they needed to do in a place where they can have all-you-can-eat shrimp cocktail at 4 in the morning. Because of the winter meetings, everything I write may become obsolete by the time I publish it.

The Good

The Royals are set at the top of the rotation for the time being. Zack Greinke is good and on the verge of great. Gil(ga) Meche is a workhorse and a great #2. There’s talk of trading Greinke, which I think would be crazy, unless the other team sent back Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and three Waite Hoytes to be named later.

The back end of the bullpen, anchored by Joakim “The Mexicutioner” Soria, is one of the best in baseball. Ron Mahay was a good late innings guy last year. Also, the Royals have no shortage of candidates for bullpen spots, even after trading two of their better relief pitchers this offseason. Jimmy Gobble, Devon Lowery, Neal Musser, Jose Pimentel, Carlos Rosa, Robinson Tejada, and others will compete for five spots this spring.

The Bad

The Royals don’t have great depth or reliability in the rest of the rotation. Right now, Brian Bannister is the #3 pitcher despite coming off a terrible season with a 5.76 ERA. Luke Hochevar struggles with his command and gives up too many homeruns, but is young enough and has good enough “stuff” to merit a chance in the #4 spot. Hiram Kyle Davies is the #5 right now. We’re not sure what we have in Davies; he finished last year strong but at times looks lost. After that, there are no great candidates for the rotation – mostly just minor leaguers who would be rushed into Major League starting roles.

The Ugly

How exactly will the bullpen be used? Last year, lefty Jimmy Gobble struggled to a 8.81(!) ERA in 31+ innings (courtesy baseball-reference.com). That’s a product of his misuse. Righties crushed him to a tune of .382/.517/.676 (AVG/on-base/slugging). Lefties struggled to a .200/.246/.323 line. In other words, all right-handed hitters were Barry Bonds in 2001, all left-handed hitters were Tony Pena, Jr. Given that, Gobble should never pitch to a right-handed batter. However, last year Gobble saw 89 righties and only 69 lefties. No wonder his ERA was 8.81. Particularly, if Gobble ever pitches to White Sox 1B Paul Konerko again, manager Trey Hillman should immediately be fired. Or shot. Gobble has squared off against Konerko nine times. Konerko has two walks, a single, and four homeruns in those nine plate appearances. That’s an insane line of .883/.889/2.833. This included an extra-innings game-winner this past season.

The Royals need to come up with a right-handed set-up man. Maybe that guy is Robinson Tejada, the former Rangers starter who struggled but has never been given a fair chance in relief. The team has ample left-handed candidates, notably Gobble, Mahay, and Musser. They need more righties to use so they never get put in a situation where Gobble faces a right-handed batter. Gobble is a microcosm of the difference between a good game manager and a bad one. Use him correctly, and he is a valuable asset. Use him incorrectly, and he puts up an 8.81 ERA.

 

Update: Courtesy mlbtraderumors.com

This afternoon we have word from a source out in the Dominican Republic, where free agent pitcher Runelvys Hernandez is pitching.  The Orioles are one of several teams to inquire on Hernandez, who is apparently reaching the mid-90s with his heater.  Contrary to previous reports, Hernandez was not suspended.

Bring back Fat Elvis!

O.J. Simpson, 15 years from now

Dear fellas,

I can’t believe how fast things move on the outside. I saw a flying car once. Now they’re everywhere. The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry. People talk faster. And louder. The parole board got me into this halfway house called the Brewster, and a job bagging groceries at the Foodway…

 

Nah, just kidding. I can’t go through with that joke, they’d have to pay me to sign my name in the wood at the end. “O.J. was here” would cost an autograph-seeker $100,000. I got bills to pay.

I was the star at that prison, they gave me the one-room Hilton all right.

Actually, I got all the Hiltons. Paris, Nicky, that hot MILFy mother. Conjugal visits are awesome. I’ve been trying to get into jail just to get me some of those for fifteen years now.

As for the accusations that I killed my cellmate, that bitch deserved it. That is, if I did it, which I did not. But if I did, it was because I loved him and he betrayed me by going behind my back with that other fairy. But I didn’t.

I did miss the golfing, though. They only had nine holes at my country club prison.

I could use a job now. I wonder if NBC sports is looking for a football analyst.

Only four months until baseball season

God, I hate the winter.

 

 

As an obsessive Royals fan and with the Winter Meetings coming up, I think I’ll dissect the team roster and what I think the team should do between now and Opening Day. In this post, the hitters. Some other time (if I feel like it), the pitchers.

Warning: this is a long rambling post about a baseball team few people care about. Feel free to stop here, especially if you’re a Yankees fan. In fact, if you’re a Yankees fan, feel free to jump off a building or step into oncoming traffic.

Catcher:

Rany already covered this, but I’ll put in my two cents: Olivo is mediocre and Buck is tradebait. The team’s minor league tandem of Bryan Pena and J.R. House might be better than its Major League counterpart and costs about $5 million less per season.

The team just signed House, a 29-year old who was once a big time prospect. History suggests that 29-year old catchers are at the end of their prime years and about to fall off a cliff. However, House doesn’t have the mileage on his knees that others have. He spent a good deal of his younger years hurt, which means he didn’t actually put those years on his knees. Also, he took a year off to try his hand as third-string quarterback at West Virginia. What does all this mean? He’s the youngest 29-year-old catcher in baseball. He could break out yet and play productively in the Major Leagues well into his 30s.

First Base/ DH

Lots of candidates, and the team will likely make the wrong move here. The players: Mike Jacobs, a slow lefty who can’t walk, can’t play defense, and can’t hit left-handers but has good pop; Ryan Sheely, a slow righty who can’t walk and should probably be limited to playing against left-handed pitching; Kila Ka’aihue, a slow young Hawaiian lefty who can’t play defense but walks a ton and doesn’t strike out much; Ross Gload, a slow old guy who can’t hit or walk or run or play defense or walk and chew gum at the same time, but is “gritty”; Billy Butler, a slow fat young righty who can’t play defense, crushes lefties, and has tons of potential as a hitter.

This team never should’ve acquired Jacobs, as Ka’aihue and Sheely could ably handle the position in a platoon and played Butler at DH every day. Instead, Ka’aihue will be buried in the minor leagues and Butler will probably lose some of the at-bats that he needs to learn how to use his potential. Still, it can’t be worse than last year, when Gload played every day.

Middle Infield

Mile Aviles was a revelation as a shortstop last year and will play either second or short this year. There is reason to be concerned, as his minor league track record did not suggest he would be nearly as good as he was last year and there is evidence to show that his numbers were partly just good luck. However, even with some regression he’s a solid every day player.

As it stands right now, Alberto Callaspo is likely the starting 2B for next year. He has no punch in his bat and rarely walks, but he never strikes out and could morph into a Placido Polanco-type hitter who posts a high batting average and makes himself useful near the top of the lineup. The bigger question marks may be his glove and his history of poor off-field conduct. Esteban German is a solid backup but probably not good enough to challenge for an every day spot.

The Royals could bring in someone else to compete with Callaspo for his starting spot. Callaspo is no sure thing and it wouldn’t hurt to have some insurance in the form of a veteral non-roster invitee to Spring Training or in the form of a solid, established starter brought in via trade (Mike Fontenot?).

Third Base

This position is set. Alex Gordon will play, German is his backup. Gordon improved a bit last year and although he’s not the superstar everyone expected, he could still become one. The increase in his walk rate last year is encouraging, and against right-handing pitching he already is a star. He needs to learn to hit lefties.

Gordon reminds me a lot of Ryan Howard. No, I’m not crazy. Howard still can’t hit lefties, but hits the ball a long, long way against righties. Gordon does not get under the ball the same way Howard does, but when he runs into a pitch he hits it similarly. His home runs travel way out of the park. He also has a similar swing to Howard’s – believe me, I’ve watch a lot of both players and the part of the swing from the trigger to the follow through are remarkably similar. They even have the same bad habits. That is, when they try to pull everything, they go through bad funks, but when they try to lift the ball the other way they can carry a team. Also, both players strike out way too much.

The difference is that Howard has more patience. He draws more walks and strikes out more, but also he is more likely to wait to swing at a pitch that he can drive, whereas Gordon might not. If Gordon learns that aspect of patience, his homerun numbers could jump way up. Maybe not to the 50-range that Howard has touched, but 40 homeruns for Gordon as soon as next year is not out of the question.

Outfield

The Royals got their breakfast cereal to roam center field. The Jesus plays left. Jose Guillen’s diminishing ability plays right. So the team now has plus defenders in two positions and Guillen’s lead feet, heavy insecurities, and no longer great arm in right.

This is a unit that will likely not hit enough to be a great outfield, but is an improvement from last year as long as Joey Gathright does not lead the team in games played in center. The problem is that all three starters are injury-prone. This means the fourth outfielder will likely see 500 at-bats. The team is currently shopping its fourth outfielder, Mark Teahen, to try to upgrade its middle infield situation or its rotation.

This leaves the fourth OF, who will likely see as much time as a starter, to one of the following: Gathright (yuck), or minor leaguers Shane Costa and Mitch Meier. None of these guys has the kind of pop you’d like from a corner player, but all can man center. However, would you feel comfortable with one of those guys as essentially a starter? Neither am I. Trading Teahen might not be the best way to upgrade this team. The better solution? Trade from the sudden surplus of catchers and wait out the free agent market for March bargains. Also, try to trade Guillen for anything. A bucket of baseballs? Sold! Two Mackey Sasser rookie cards? I’d have given him up for one!

 

Conclusions

The team needs to have a good backup or two in the outfield. It could use some middle infield help. And it might benefit if Mike Jacobs decides to retire tomorrow. But at least Gload, Gathright, and Tony Pena, Jr. are not going to be in the lineup. That means that this will be an improved offensive team.

Sometime in the future: a post on the pitchers. Feel free to skip that one too, Yankee fans.

 

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