Pinstripes have a slimming effect

As noted earlier, the Yankees signed one Carsten Charles Sabathia, a pitcher pushing 300 lbs, to a record contract earlier this week. There’s something about pinstripes that attracts fat people.

To prove my point, I will present a sample of famously fat Yankees.

Cecil Fielder, 1996-1997

The former homerun champ played parts of two mediocre seasons with the Bombers. He struck out 133 times in 561 at-bats. He also ate the clubhouse cat.*

*May not be true.

David Wells, 1997-98 and 2002-03

Boomer pitched for the bad guys twice, but then again he seemingly played in a different uniform every year. Rumors circulated that he needed to return to the East Coast every few years to stock up on Dunkin Donuts.

Steve Balboni, 1981-83 and 1989-90

Balboni has a special place in the hearts of Royals fans. He led the league with 36 homeruns in the World Series year of 1985, back when it was possible to lead the league with 36 homeruns. Sadly, this is still the Royals’ team record.* He was also fat.

*Nobody led the league in homeruns and won the World Series in the same year again until Manny Ramirez with the Red Sox in 2004. Ryan Howard did it again this year. 

Joba Chamberlain, 2007-present

That guy looks like he sweats when he eats. Yankees fans have high hopes for him, but they’d better get a heart monitor in the dugout if they want to see him winning games in 2012.

Sidney Ponson, 2006 and 2008

I’m growing tired of fat jokes, so instead I will mention that Sir Sidney Ponson of Aruba (yes, he’s been knighted in his native land) once punched out a judge on a beach. Classy. Oh yeah, he’s also fat.

Babe Ruth, 1920-1934

He was a great baseball player, but man he was a fat fucker. Especially in his later years when he let himself go. There are stories of him eating hot dogs between innings. What, he couldn’t wait until after the game to gorge his fat face? You know, they didn’t have Gatorade back then, so Ruth would load up on milkshakes while in the dugout.* The guy had 714 homeruns and even more coronaries.

*I cannot find corroborating sources on this.

There is no truth to the rumor that the Yankees signed John Candy to a secret contract the day before he died. Everyone knows Candy couldn’t hit a curveball.