Today in Fuck You

It's been a while since I've had a really vile, profanity-laced, self-indulging post. Today's target: United Airlines.

I've been on vacation in New Jersey for the last couple of days. So far, vacation is a strong word. More like visitation. I am visiting my pregnant sister and her two-year-old son while the man of the house is away on business. Today should be day four, but a little bit of snow closes the Newark airport for two days, apparently.

I know this now. I'm not sure United has ever learned that lesson. On Thursday I made it to the airport in the early morning to make my flight. My sister called me while I was standing in line at security to tell me to stay home. The airport had canceled all flights for the day.

The United employees did not know this. They shuffled me around until I found the only employee willing to help me. She changed my flight to the next day.

Friday, I woke up and called my sister. She said it was still snowing, so I went to United's website. No word on closures. So I looked for the appropriate 800-number for United. Their customer service line has no appropriate button to press for changing reservations when there's bad weather. I waited on hold for 17 minutes, listening to the same Gershwin song come through a bad connection, interrupted only with advertisements. Like this is the best time to sell me shit. Or, for that matter, remind me that I am a paying customer.

When I finally got through, I talked to a woman with a heavy Indian accent. I have no problem with outsourcing customer service. This is a free market. I do, however, wish that the person on the other end has command of the English language and the ability to communicate with me, without me having to say, "Beg your pardon? What? Could you repeat that? What did you say? Huh?" every other sentence. She also had not seen the weather report, as she had to take my word that it was indeed still snowing in Newark and that Continental had already canceled several flights into the airport.

I should note that Continental and United share a common ownership.

I was eventually able to change my flight, free of charge, and get here, which is nice, even if I had to sit in the middle row next to a guy coming back from the Olympics who had not bathed since he got there. But that's another story.

In conclusion, fuck you United airlines!

 

Bonus Fuck You! Fuck you, Denver Airport!

I had a 50-minute layover in Denver. In that time, I needed lunch, since United no longer serves so much as peanuts without charging. Unfortunately, the Denver airport has no quick food options. There were three sit-down bars, which would've been nice if I had two more hours. Also, a Ben & Jerry's, a Haagen-Daas, and a TCBY. One would think that cold cities wouldn't need so much ice cream. Also, several out-of-place high-end mall stores, in case I needed to buy a new massaging chair. Even the McDonald's, which had a mile-high line, didn't have a value menu. So I could've gotten a three-dollar Big Mac, but I had to buy a drink if I also wanted fries. Strange. I settled on a hot dog from the Sara Lee place. Very disappointing.

What would it take to get a fucking Sbarro, Denver? Or a Chipotle? It's based there, you know. Christ, I'd have settled for a Starbucks that sells bagels.

In conclusion, fuck you Denver airport!

While I am at it and apropos of nothing, fuck you Denver Broncos!

 

There. I feel better.