Things to do when you're unemployed:

Join a cult!

There are two kinds of cults. The first is the kind where you get to have some kind of belief that completely ostracizes you from normal society. It leads you to appear on television acting even more insane than normal. It could be the belief that your fearless leader is a descendant of Chirst, or that he is some Christ-like figure, or is Christ himself. As long as he has the ability to make you kill, or give your underage daughters to creepy older men, or give up all your earthly possessions.

The second kind is where you let someone else do all that for you, because you've killed yourself.

I'm advocating that you join the first kind of cult. What's the fun of having an excuse to act like a nut if you're dead? Ever want to jump on a couch like a lunatic on national TV? Ever want to eat nothing but lima beans? Ever want to sell all your earthly possessions and move into a permanent summer camp? Or follow the orders of a deranged genius intent on killing the rich and famous? Or sing "Firewoman"? There's no time like the present.

If you're lucky, the cult you've joined slowly becomes mainstream. Then you're at the forefront of history, simply because you followed some guy who had visions of God while in a cave or decided to write his own addition to the Bible where Jesus will make his return in Missouri.

It doesn't matter what cult you join, be it Scientology, Promise Keepers, or the Green Party. That's a personal choice. Just don't become a fan of Lost. That's the most disgusting cult of all.

Bad Ideas in Marketing

My favorite movie of 2008: The Dark Knight. I doubt I'm alone in this. Great movie. Needed some gratuitous nudity to be perfect, but who am I to judge?

Well, I mean, could it have killed director Christopher Nolan to have Two Face spying on naked women as he descended into madness, or to have the Italian mobsters talking business while enjoying lap dances at Badabing's? If they wanted to topple Titanic on the earnings scale, they needed some nudity. Titanic didn't even have good nudity. Just a pasty British actress posing on a couch.

Griffin Mill: It lacked certain elements that we need to market a film successfully.
June: What elements?
Griffin Mill: Suspense, laughter, violence. Hope, heart, nudity, sex. Happy endings. Mainly happy endings.
June: What about reality?

Anyway, great movie. But has anyone seen the advertisements for the Blue-Ray of The Dark Knight? Some pretty cool features. Scenes improved beyond what theater projectors could do, that kind of stuff. But then the part about making your own directors' commentary?

I can see someone sitting through a commentary by the director, or the writers, or maybe an actor. I've never managed to sit through one, but if I were a big enough fan of a film I could see it happening. Bigger film geeks than I probably do it all the time. But can you see yourself sitting through someone else's commentary? Ever? How did that become a selling point for this Blue-Ray disc?

How many 12-year olds will buy this movie just to make their own commentary and force it upon their friends and family? If your friend tries to make you sit through three hours of fanboy commentary as he talks over this movie, get new friends. If your kid wants to make you sit through his commentary on this film, put him up for adoption.

I know how they decided to include this feature on the Blue-Ray. Someone said, "There's too much empty disc space." Blue-Rays, of course, have more space than one movie can use even with all the special features and commentary and alternate versions in the world. But studio execs feel the need to justify selling you these things so they try to fill the disc. But this idea is just stupid.

On a related note, does anyone get the italicized reference up there?

What the hell is a Gaza?

I know what you’re thinking. “Adam, what’s your take on the war in Gaza right now?”

Great question, reader. First, let me say that just because I’m Jewish, that doesn’t mean I speak for all Jews, or that I put Israel before I put America (because I don’t), or that I can’t sympathize with Palestinians, or that I want to go into retail*. I have been to Israel once, but I am an American and would not want to be any other nationality.

*I had a professor last year say that he would not go into retail unless he was “at least third generation Jew.” I wonder if he realized just how horrible that statement is. Jews, historically, have not been allowed to own the land necessary to produce goods, so they instead had to become merchants. Then we got good at that and people hated us for it. In addition, Catholics and Moors in medieval Europe made us be bankers because of their own usury laws prevented them from doing it, but they needed the capital. Then they resented the shifty Jews for doing that service too. Also, I do not want to go into retail.

Let me sum up the situation for the ignorant among you: the Gaza Strip is a piece of land about the size of Philadelphia located along the Western border of Israel.

Israel gave it to the Palestinians a couple of years ago as a show of good faith, more or less. It had been captured along with the West Bank, the Golan Heights, and the Eastern part of Jerusalem in the Six Day War in 1967, when most of the Arab World attacked Israel unprovoked in an attempt to drive Israel into the sea.

The Gaza Strip is currently governed by Hamas. Hamas was founded with the intent of destroying Israel. In other words, all negotiations towards peace on the part of Hamas have been in bad faith. In American minds, national security means protecting our people first and destroying our enemies second (insert George W. Bush joke here). In the minds of the extremists that run Hamas, their strict interpretation of Islam comes first and the wellbeing of the population second. Part of this belief is that the entire Middle East be Moslem states. They want to drive the heathen Jews away or kill them.

Hamas has been shelling Israeli border towns with rockets and mortars since it took control of the area through a democratic election. Iran has played a key roll in supplying the rockets, bringing them in through tunnels along the Egyptian border. Hamas has been lobbing missiles at Israeli towns and actively trying to kill civilians. They want to provoke Israel into a war. They want to provoke a holy war throughout the Middle East. They want to provoke World War III.

The big question is, why has Israel acted as it has? Surely, it wants to stop the rocket attacks on its town. But what will stop these attacks? Wiping out Hamas is a lofty goal, but what will replace it? Can Hamas regroup even if Israel wipes out its foundations now? I would guess so. If not in name, then in function. Breaking the government might create a power vacuum, which might yield scarier results than Hamas itself. Climates like that make it easy to recruit terrorists.

I am a firm believer that violence begets violence. I do not see Israel’s endgame, but if it is merely as a means for punishment, then this strike is a terrible idea. If Israel can find a way to install the kind of friendly government that it wants, or at least a more moderate government like has taken over the West Bank, then it will have a success. But what are the odds of that happening? And are those odds worth the risks losing a worldwide propaganda war, or possibly starting a much greater war?

 

One interpretation: Israel is working to something bigger. The real enemy is Iran. Iran supplies the rockets. It wants to become the region’s superpower and is using region-wide hatred for Israel as a vehicle for gaining influence. Iran is also attempting to build a nuclear arsenal. Israel wants to stop Iran from becoming nuclear and is running out of time. Meanwhile, America is about to change leadership and thus overhaul its foreign policies. Bush has given Israel free reign. No one is quite sure just how much authority Obama will give Israel. If there is any time to act, now is that time.

 

Further reading

Thomas Friedman of the New York Times, who has lost my attention with some of his other writings but remains one of the foremost authorities on Middle East relations.

My friend Eric at The Israel Situation. We don’t always see eye-to-eye, but he’s bright and informed. If you want to know more, he’ll set you on the right path.

 

If anyone wants to debate in the comments, go for it. Just no name-calling, bigotry, or utter stupidity. Feel free to tell me I’m wrong. Just don’t call me a dumb Jewbag.

Things to do when you’re unemployed

Apply for jobs!

That’s right, there are jobs out there for the taking. They may not be what you want them to be, but hey, somebody’s got to do the little things to keep the economy running. Like professional gas pumpers, which is still mandated by law in New Jersey thanks to a strong union (seriously). Or dog food taste tester. Apparently they don’t get canned in poor economies.

 

Granted, this is not why you wasted spent $100,000 or more on an education and spent first quarter of your life learning. Honestly, though, did you really think you would get to apply that college-level calculus to a real life situation? Or your ability to quote Keats? Nope, not gonna happen there, Poindexter. But is there an opening for work as a janitor at your local community college? Yes!

 

Of course, you can still go another route: keep applying for good jobs and continually get rejected, or worse, ignored. But keep your head up, the career you want could be just around the corner!

 

What’s that you say? Your ideal job isn’t driving trucks? Check your e-mail. I hear you may be related to an African king who is looking to share his fortune.

Or you could try a Ponzi scheme. I hear there’s good money there.

The last word on Christmas before corporate sponsors make you panic about Valentine’s Day

First off, let me apologize to both of my readers for the blog going dark for much of the past several weeks. I was busy plotting to overthrow the government moving and I am on a stolen borrowed stolen computer.

It’s probably for the better that I haven’t written much recently, anyway, because most of you would probably assume that I am the Grinch.

I’m not the Grinch. Really. I’m cool with Christmas. I do have my problems with the holiday season in modern America, however. That’s what I plan to address here.

First off, Chanukah is not Christmas, no matter how much Corporate America and your local pastor try to convince you that it is. Chanukah advent calendars (pictured below) are just wrong. So are Chanukah bushes and outdoor Chanukah lights to decorate my house with.

I appreciate those who do not want me to feel left out. Wish me a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday, give me a gift if you want, and enjoy the season. But if you really want to make me happy, you’ll realize that Chanukah is a small, trivial holiday in Judaism. Passover, Purim, Rosh HaShanah, Yom Kippur, and Sukkot are all more significant and yet for some reason Chanukah is the only one that gets any attention in this country.

Why is this? Because  people, companies, and the government want to make a big deal out of Christmas without coming across as insensitive. Because Corporate America wants to sell stuff to Jews too. Because my Christian aunt wants to buy me things too.

There is no right solution. Even if we tried to move into our own country, our neighbors would lob missiles at us. So, I have two options: I can play along and let Chanukah morph into Christmas-lite or I can become disenfranchised. Those of you who know me already know my response. At this point, I might as well become disenfranchised about one more thing in life.

Or I can take option three: open a store selling shitty Chanukah trinkets to people like my Christian aunt. I might as well make a buck.